World-famous truck-hitch bill is well-meaning – but still nuts

WHAT’LL IT BE today?

Should we dissect Michigan’s Republican primary or Tuesday’s Democratic debate, or do we look at the latest legislative attention-getter by Del. Lionell Spruill Sr. – a ban on truck-hitch testicles in Virginia?

OK. Let’s talk testicles.

Here we are, a little more than a week into the 2008 General Assembly session, and already the Old Dominion seems destined to become the butt of late-night comics and international punsters.

The buzz in Richmond and around the globe is all about HB 1452: “No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle with any object or device that depicts, represents or resembles human genitalia, regardless of size or scale.”

The penalty for driving around with dangling plastic genitals could be $250.

By Wednesday afternoon, Google News showed about 300 separate news outlets – from Canada to Germany to Australia – posting stories about the bill. The headline writers were having truckloads of fun : “Virginia Bill Aims to Emasculate Trucks,” “Virginia Legislator Testy over 'Truck Nutz’” and “Testicles Face Snip.”

This bill won’t pass. It’s an infringement on free speech.

But let’s pause from all the punning to salute Spruill’s intent. The 61-year-old Democrat from Chesapeake – who grew up in a time when no one cursed in the movies and the Ricardos slept in twin beds – says he is offended by this latest indicator that common decency isn’t common in America anymore.

Spruill said he filed the bill after a constituent complained about encountering a set of truck-toted testicles while driving with his child in the car. It made the delegate wonder what he’d tell his 5-year-old granddaughter if she spied a set of plastic genitals dangling from a bumper.

Here’s what I’d tell her: “Honey, the person driving that truck is obviously an inconsiderate, coarse, trashy slob. What do you say we ignore him?”

Others want to pass a law. Go figure.

Spruill told me he knows people are laughing and mocking him, but it’s time the Old Dominion drew a moral line about acceptable behavior.

“If we have these on trucks now, what’s next?” he said.

I don’t want to think about that. Still, the well-meaning delegate is tilting at trailer hitches.

From nasty T-shirts on the Boardwalk to potty-mouthed pubescents at the mall, we’re surrounded by Americans fouling the environment with their brand of free speech. With society infected with vulgarity, it seems pointless to direct so much moral outrage at unappetizing auto accoutrements.

Yet Spruill has his supporters. Susan Rowland, his chief of staff, said their Richmond office was awash Wednesday with e-mails and phone calls from around the country. The feedback was staggeringly positive, she said. Folks were applauding the lawmaker for standing up for standards.

Ironically, Rob Hearn, owner of Pungo Tire and Off Road and a purveyor of the bumper adornments, also is grateful.

Since Spruill’s bill hit the news, Hearn said sales have soared. He’s had to reorder.

“One gentleman came in first thing this morning and bought three sets,” Hearn boasted.

These weren’t the ordinary plastic privates, but the shiny chrome models that sell for $35.

The trailer-hitch testicle vendor had a message for the delegate: “Tell him I said thank you very much.”

Sheesh.

Kerry Dougherty, (757) 446-2306, kerry.dougherty@cox.net