One of the continual themes of this blog is the Sisyphean battle against old age while simultaneously trying to retain some cool. I mean, growing up you never believe that the old people who say stuff like, 'In my day,' and ''I used to...' could one day be you, but alas.

And so now one of the battles we're facing as we creep closer and closer to eligibility for an AARP card is...spelling in rap songs. There's this song out now, by Webbie with Lil Boosie and Lil Phat (long sigh) calledINDEPENDENT.

It's a cute little ditty, actually a feminist anthem by men, celebrating women who do their own thing, who take care of themselves. Webbie and the Littles like the kind of women who, "Cook, She Clean Never Smell Like Onion Rings." (Again, at this point, fighting the tide is futile.)

Its chorus features a thumping, pounding beat and the guys -- who make me think of what Gremlins or cockroaches would sound like if they rapped -- go, "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Do You Kno Wat That Mean Mane?" (Altogether now: sigh.)

Actually, this is one of few songs I've been able to decipher while listening. Perhaps it was the context clues of the verse, and then "I-N-D-E..." which helped me figure out the word, but the truth is I've never been good at see-and-say rap songs. Back when LL Cool J was relevant, he had this very cool song, "The Boomin' System," and I vividly recall being at my friend Darnell's house listening to it, playing Sonic the Hedgehog on Sega. While everyone else rapped along to the part where LL goes, "C to the o to the o to the l to the i to the n to the f to the r to the o to the n to the t to the i to the n/ That means I'm chillin," I went totally mute. I knew he hadn't just spelled 'chillin,' so what did he say? I swear to you, I have half-tried over the years to decipher it and only just now figured it out by pointing to each letter on the screen. It's a miracle I finished 8th grade.

It has nothing to do with being nearly arthritic: I really just can't keep up with the spelling lessons set to music. It's why I can't do math in my head. Rap music can be difficult enough to follow without disassembling it into hieroglyphs. What is this, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee? Who am I, Akeelah? I need it to stop.

Dear rappers, some of us are slow, and/or old. When spelling out words in songs, please restrict them to a comfy one or two syllables. T-H-A-N-K-S.

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