The Buzz: Can-do spirit

WHEN IT COMES TO toilets, Westerners don't know squat - or at least how to squat, so the Chinese are changing commodes at three stadiums to make them sit-down style for the Olympics. The Chinese are switching johns to make them fit for John Q. America because they wouldn't want to be flush with embarrassment over baffling bathrooms.

Bracket racket

Water cooler heads don't prevail: You might have survived the first two rounds, but the following events still have better odds of occurring than you winning your office tournament pool: Pat Riley purchasing his suits at K-Mart, Danica Patrick declining an endorsement, Tiger Woods releasing a rap album, Rick Majerus rejecting an offer to supersize a combo, Tim Duncan spontaneously smiling, Carl Edwards changing his celebration to a cartwheel, Mark Prior staying off the DL all season, Michael Vick running an animal shelter or Dick Vitale keeping his voice at a whisper level.

Electoral college

Ignore the economy, health care and the Iraq war for a moment, it's March Madness, so what the public really needs to know is who the Presidential candidates chose as champs. Popular front-runner Barack Obama picked popular front-runner North Carolina, Hillary Clinton said she would lean heavily on her husband's advice and experience (unlike her spouse, she promised not to cheat), and John McCain didn't complete his bracket because he refused to set a timetable (he insists he isn't thinking about withdrawing). A perplexed President Bush was still trying to determine whether Austin Peay is a member of his cabinet or a tournament team (as a staunch patriot, he probably went with American). As for Ralph Nader, he's focused on selecting the CBI champion (small steps, Ralph).

Scratch his title

It was learned last week that German national champion pool player Axel Buescher snookered the competition, testing positive for an EPO masking agent. Officials suspected Buescher was taking drugs when he brought his own 8-ball to the tournament.

False idle

Minnesota owner Glen Taylor threw ex-player Kevin Garnett to the wolves last week, claiming KG "tanked it" toward the end of last season. The only thing running on "E" is Taylor's head.

Snappy comeback

They're the first down: The All American Football League terminated its inaugural season before practice even began but vowed to resurface in 2009. Faking your own death and immediately planning a return - are we sure Vince McMahon isn't in charge of this failing football federation, too?

Rouge candidate

Bob Knight once remarked that sports journalism was one notch above prostitution. Naturally, he now works for ESPN. Who's the one wearing the makeup, Bob?

Stamp of approval

Randy Moss is going postal. He's featured on a limited-edition commemorative envelope in his native state of West Virginia, issued by the USPS (talk about being treated like a first-class citizen). The Buzz is sure it will be well-received.

Bengall

Stop The Buzz if you've heard this one before: a disgruntled Bengals receiver who believes he's underpaid vows to stay away from the team until he receives a new contract. This time, it's T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Cincy need to tell Housh to hush. The team must feel like between him and Chad Johnson, there's always a catch.

He's a keeper

Premier League team Everton F.C. has lured prospect Harry Yates away from rival Manchester United. Yates, a goalie, is 7 years old, so all it took was a fudge sundae (no nuts, except those running the club) and an Xbox 360. Yates' father was glad to sign the permission slip, er, contract.

Online poll

Fueling debate: The Houston Rockets' out-of-this-world 22-game winning streak came to an end last week, but it stands as the second-best in NBA history. Are they good enough to launch themselves into the NBA Finals? Vote and see results at PilotOnline.com