Still with its nose under the tent, camel's blowing smoke

To: R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company

From: Me

Re: The Spoon show at The NorVa last week, sponsored by Camel

JUST WANTED to give an update on your initiative to gain credibility with the hipster crowd.

I was at the show at The NorVa last Saturday. Great group of bands. The White Rabbits. The Walkmen. Spoon, who made nearly every critic's best-of list last year. It was all very good. And for $15? A steal. Were you subsidizing tickets?

Oh. And don't think I missed the leggy, blond model at the entrance. (Nice!) It was an excellent way to say, "Welcome to The NorVa." A subtle introduction in case I missed the giant, blue neon camels hanging all over the balcony. Or the T-shirt press, and the museum-style exhibit on tobacco leaves. I might not have noticed that you guys were literally throwing down a welcome mat, a round rug they placed near the front door. You really thought of everything.

It must have cost an arm and a lung.

But what choice do you have?

Lots of venues, like The NorVa, have become nonsmoking. It's great. My clothes don't stink, it's easier to breathe. And although the talk of a smoking ban in other local bars and restaurants is over for now, let's face it, the businesses will take care of it. Smoking indoors will become a thing of the past.

But here's one thing you didn't think of.

Some people still feel icky about the whole "sponsored by a cigarette company" thing. And Camel, of all companies, is the ickiest. First there was the Joe Camel debacle in the '80s and '90s. Then you were tied to a scandal with Rolling Stone earlier this year. Now nine states are suing, saying you linked indie bands, cigarettes and cartoons in an advertorial.

Yikes. The need to regain credibility is understandable.

But let's not dwell. You need to refocus the marketing campaign.

The current strategy's not working. Some things I should mention:

1) You're trying to lure smokers in a place they can't smoke anyway.

2) I don't smoke.

3) I've reached a cantankerous point where I'm annoyed by barroom promotions.

Enough with enticing smokers. I want to know, what can Big Tobacco and all of its marketing money do for me? What can I get out of it? How's that hard-earned smoker cash gonna help me?

What I want is simple: free tickets or free drinks. At a minimum. In exchange, I will not turn over my drivers license, my e-mail address or my blood type, and I will not become your MySpace friend. If you're lucky, I might wear the T-shirt to do yard work. I don't want to register for anything. If forced to fill out a form, I will use the names of obscure characters from popular 1980s movies.

Saturday, some people received free tickets. Some received high-quality photographs. I suspect we all benefited from somewhat lower ticket prices.

Not good enough. We are more sophisticated than that. Cartoon characters don't work anymore.

If you really want me to think Camel is cool, how about something like a new roof for my house? Or an expensive gadget. I've been eyeing an iTouch. Or how about paying my gym bill for a month?

Think about it. People would really like that. They'd forget about the ickiness temporarily.

I'm not just blowing smoke up your camel hump.

Mike Gruss, (757) 446-2277, mike.gruss@pilotonline.com