As a film, 'Speed Racer' is a wreck

IF YOU GO to see "Speed Racer," you might be advised to take along a pair of glasses. We don't mean 3-D glasses. We mean dark glasses.

This movie is all about colors - bright, primary colors that are thrown at you in the ultimate cartoony treatment. This could conceivably blind you if you stare at it too long - particularly on a nine-story-high IMAX screen, one of the choices among the dozens of theaters that are playing this second "event" movie of the ultra-early summer season.

If it doesn't blind you, it may drive you deaf. Such is the din created by the running of the Grand Prix and a cross-country melee called The Crucible.

While stunning in its visual effects that mix humans with computer-generated race cars, it is ultimately more like a video game than a real movie.

There are plenty of things to duck, but little to grasp. It's the first directorial effort by the Wachowski brothers, Larry and Andy, since the equally noisy and equally visual "Matrix" trilogy.

It's based on a Japanese comic book and animated cartoon series that has been popular, we are told, since 1967, and it is close to a kiddie movie.

The wee ones will be google-eyed over the bright colors and the rapid movement to the degree that they will demand toys as they leave the theaters. Adults will perhaps get only a headache from sitting through it, although they may be somewhat intrigued by the unique look created by a new camera that keeps everything in focus - except a semblance of plot.

There is something wonderfully campy, though, about the whole opus. Ya gotta laugh. Speed Racer is out to avenge the death of his hero-racer brother, Rex Racer, who, in a flash back, crashes to his death in the film's first scene. Speed (who would name a child Speed?) is played by Emile Hirsch. He surprised everyone by actually acting in "Into the Wild." That was not necessary here.

Pops Racer (John Goodman) builds supercars in the family garage while Mom Racer (Susan Sarandon) bakes cookies. They are usually in red and green, and they live in a house that is bathed in orange, turquoise and fuchsia pink with "racer red" floors. Pass me those sun glasses, please. Mach 5, the family's super race car, is parked in the middle of the living room.

Speed's girlfriend is named Trixie (do you believe it?), and she flies a pink helicopter to prove she's  tough, even though she wears a lot of girly-girly, matching, pink outfits. Christina Ricci is cast, against type, in the part. She usually plays pouty troublemakers, but she never bores us.

Things wouldn't be complete without a masked man. This is supplied by Racer X, played in a leather suit by TV hunk Matthew Fox ("Lost") after Keanu Reeves turned down the part. Racer X initially looks like a threat, but he turns out to be a secret agent for someone or something secret.

Supplying the mean is a billionaire tycoon who runs Royalton Industries and (shocking!) fixes races. When Speed turns down his offer to join his stable of drivers, he vows that our hero will soon be crossing that last finish line in the sky.

As if that isn't enough camp to sell a dozen pup tents, there is also a bratty kid brother named Spritle who has a habit of sneaking into the trunk of Mach 5. He has a pet chimpanzee.      The Wachowskis have added what should be a tone of violent conflict with what they call Car-Fu - illegal things like spear hooks, tire shanks and saw blades.

The main problem, though, is that  no one ever seems to be in jeopardy.

While stunning in its first 30 minutes, it quickly begins to be a case of "We've seen that already." Every race looks the same as the others.

Not to put the brakes on Speed, but this is strictly for those who will be satisfied with eye candy. In that category, it's the brightest.

Mal Vincent, (757)  446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com