One Hummer of a PR campaign

Faced with a national outcry over the high price of gasoline and soaring profits for energy companies, the oil and gas industry is waging an unusually pricey campaign to burnish its image.

- The Washington Post, May 9

THE COMMERCIAL opens with a sweeping aerial view of a lush, green lawn and a long, white-pebble lane leading to a stately brick manse. Birds chirp pleasantly in the distance.

As the camera draws closer, a sunshine-yellow Hummer limo rolls into view, then sputters to a loud stop.

A man emerges hurriedly from the back, back, baaack seat, one hand gripping a briefcase, the other gesticulating wildly. The birds fall silent. The camera zooms in for a close-up...

"Out of gas! If I've told that chauffeur once, I've told him a million times: Fill up the Hummer every few blocks and this won't happen! That's why we drill for the oil, for crying out loud, so we can use it!"

The man starts to trudge down the lane but, within a few steps, takes notice of the camera. Reflexively, he lifts his briefcase to shield his face.

"Are you from '60 Minutes'?" he asks, his voice muffled.

Silently, the camera pans slowly back and forth to indicate "no."

The man stops, lowers the briefcase and smiles broadly. "Oh, right! The burnish-our-image commercial! I'd forgotten we're doing that today. Well, come along! "

The man resumes walking. The words begin to tumble out: "A lot of Americans - well-meaning Americans, not just the greenie weenies - don't understand what we're up against."

He waves his hand dismissively. "Oh, sure. ExxonMobil's first-quarter profits were $10.9 billion, up 17 percent from a year ago. Shell, BP, you name it - we've all hit a geyser of greenbacks."

The man shrugs. "But you've also got to remember it costs us a lot to find that oil, drill for it, refine it, contribute to political campaigns AND preserve our monopoly. It's a good thing we've been getting tax subsidies, or - well, I don't like to think about it."

Abruptly, he stops and turns to the camera, his face reddening. "Did you read what some of the heirs of John D. Rockefeller are saying? They claim U.S. oil companies are headed the way of the U.S. auto industry unless we start investing more money in alternative energy."

He shakes his head. "Can you imagine? The descendants of the founder of Standard Oil, looking down their noses at our record profits! And they're implying we're nothing but cowboys on a dinosaur ranch! The nerve!"

Just then, a little girl - 6 years old perhaps, wearing a fancy dress and sporting pigtails - rushes up and hugs the man.

"Daddy! Daddy! I'm so glad you're home!" she shouts.

The man, visibly perplexed, looks into the camera. "Is she with you?"

Silently the camera moves up and down, indicating "yes."

"Oh, I get it! She's supposed to represent the future!" the man says cheerily. He pats the child on the head. "So, daughter of mine, how was your day?"

The camera zooms in, revealing tears in the child's eyes. "It was dreadful, Father, truly dreadful," she says. "The other children say you're a price-gouger. They say you and Detroit's Big Three and Congress and a whole string of presidents should've seen this energy crisis coming years ago. They say you've pushed domestic drilling as our one and only energy policy, ignoring the reality that it won't sustain our needs long term and will ultimately strengthen the grip that oil-rich tyrannies have on our nation."

The man tilts his head. "Um, is that really what 'the future' is supposed to say?"

The camera slowly moves up and down to indicate "yes."

The man returns to the girl and kneels. In the background, a team of profusely sweaty men push the Hummer limo toward the man's 10-bay garage.

"My dear, your schoolmates are mistaken. We're going to prepare for the, whatchamacallit, new era in energy. But right now, we're really, really, really busy counting our money."

Exasperated, the little girl throws her hands into the air and walks away. The man peers at the camera in confusion.

As the screen goes dark, sunshine-yellow lettering emerges: "America's oil industry: Almost ready for the, whatchamacallit, new era in energy."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Reach him at daryl.lease@pilotonline.com or (757) 446-2441.