'Guru' makes 'Dumb & Dumber' look like 'Hamlet'

AUSTIN POWERS fans may well march on the theaters showing "The Love Guru." The hope that was fostered by Mike Myers' first original character since the raunchy spy is dashed a few moments into this slapdash, infantile and oh-so-baaad outing.

Myers has the gift of unbridled, childish exuberance that makes you like him even when he's pummeling you with genital references. The problem here is even the most energetic delivery can't hide the fact that there is nothing to deliver. This opus about a second-rate "spiritualist" who wants to get on "Oprah" makes "Dumb and Dumber" look like "Hamlet."

Myers here depends on one-liners rather than character. When the jokes include more groaners than chuckles, he's in trouble. A few lively Bollywood musical numbers provide a little relief - because they stop the lines.

Myers plays Guru Pitka, the world's second-greatest spiritual adviser, who lives in envy of his boyhood friend and sole rival, Deepak Chopra. Chopra has been on "Oprah."

Myers, who co-wrote the script, forces into this rivalry a plot that involves Jessica Alba, as the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs, soliciting Pitka to straighten out a shaky love affair. It seems the team's star player (Romany Malco) has hit the skids because his wife has run off with the rival team's star, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande, played with some gusto by Justin Timberlake. The team is believed to have a curse in its efforts to win the Stanley Cup, and only the guru can help by getting its star to start scoring.

We get an idea of how desperate things are when Ben Kingsley shows up to play a wise soothsayer with a naughty name. The only "funny" assignment he's given is to cross his eyes. That's a long way from his Oscar-winning portrayal of Gandhi. Even The Three Stooges had more subtle material.

Guru Pitka's mantra is "Mariska Hargitay," who is hailed with regular introductory blessing. Yes, you can bet the real Hargitay (the star of "Law and Order" and daughter of screen legend Jayne Mansfield) shows up to look uncomfortable - and collect a meager pay check.

There is ample little-people bashing when Verne Troyer, Mini-Me from "Austin Powers," shows up as the coach of the hockey team.

We yearn for Myers to, just once, shout, "Yeah, baby!" and turn to the camera with a line like "Oh, this kitten's got a whip."

The real sexual naughtiness comes from a bit of elephant erotica that is brought in to distract Telma Hopkins, who plays the overly aggressive mother of the star player. Let's just say the elephants perform with gusto.

The character of Pitka was developed by Myers in a series of stage appearances in New York. One can readily see how the impersonation could be a successful stand-up comedy routine or "Saturday Night Live" skit. To stretch it to a feature-length movie, though, is more than any elastic would allow.

This reminds one more of such Myers' disasters as "So I Married an Axe Murderer" (1993) or "The Cat in the Hat" (2003), one of the more tasteless children's movies on record.

The mildly naughty bathroom jokes are rated PG-13 but are too lame for most 13-year-olds.

Oprah turns out to be the smart one. There is no official representation from her, making it necessary to use old clips and a voice impersonator.

The best thing about "The Love Guru"? It clocks in at just under 90 minutes.

Mal Vincent, (757) 446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com