R&A needs to get real about etiquette on the golf course

THE ROYAL AND Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews has posted an 11-minute video on its Web site (www.randa.org) about golf etiquette for beginners. Defending British Open champion Padraig Harrington narrates it in that great Dublin accent of his - "another" comes out "anudder," "think" is "tink," tat sort of ting.

I think the powdered wigs at the R&A have been spending too much time with the grog and the gorse, if you get me.

Here's a for-instance: In the part where he talks about care of the course, Harrington says, "It's not the course's fault if you played a bad shot, (so) don't take your frustration out on the golf course."

And I'm thinking, you know, "Earth to Padraig." Convincing ourselves that it is the course's fault is why so many of us can even get through our miserable, five-hour marches to triple-digits.

Where's the goat that mowed these fairways? Nice lip on that bunker. You gotta be kidding me with these lumpy greens. I paid $85 to hit over water all day?

In these cases - say, when your ball goes dead right when you've aimed dead left because of another unfair, uneven lie - what's better for frothing frustration than a swift, soul-cleansing, tomahawked 7-iron into the sod?

Aaaeeee-iiiii!

Ahhhh...

The entire video is like this, all of this la-de-da stuff about golf's honor code, the self-enforcement of its half-million rules, the "jolly good game, old chap" pleasantries. Please. As if you've never thrown the ball out from behind a tree when no one was looking, eh Padraig? Suuuuuure.

So, sorry, but I had to laugh at some of the R&A's other pointy-headed "advice":

- "It is traditional to yell the word 'Fore' when you've hit a wayward shot that might endanger someone." Correct. But in my group, it's then customary and acceptable to yell a much more satisfying F-word. They left that part out.

- "Avoid excessive practice swings." Helloooo, R&A? Excessive practice swings are the green light to blurt, 'While we're young!' and begin the flow of iconic "Caddyshack" lines, which makes these spoiled walks bearable. Any respectable list of must-quotes from that classic includes: "It's in the hole!" "big hitter, the Lama," "It looks good on you, though," and, "Oh, you're a little monkey woman."

- "Help your partner look for a lost ball." Well, yeah, but that's misleading. You help look because if you find it first, you then get to step on it, kick it farther into the woods or cover it with a pile of sticks. This is especially helpful in match play for the club championship. No thanks to the R&A for obfuscating this important strategy.

- "Show interest in the play of fellow players." Get real. Golf is an individual game, which means it's all about

y-o-u! Being expected to spout empty praise like "that'll play" or "great shot" or "good read" to a partner when your ball's down a muskrat hole is a bunch of sportsmanship piffle. Heads out of the sherry, R&A!

n "Stand a safe distance away from another player's intended swing." Now, this is smart advice. Particularly when that player is fixing to whirly-bird his putter into the lake after his day's third four-putt. Cannot be too careful here.

n "Replace the flagstick in the hole properly before leaving the green." The trouble with this is the wide-ranging

interpretation of "properly." Who's the arbiter? Ol' Sergio Garcia last year helped grease a flagstick's return by dropping a loogie into the hole on national TV. He got all kinds of junk for it, but it obviously seemed proper to him at the time - i.e. after gagging another putt.

So if hovering the stick above the hole following a par-3 snowman and jabbing it down violently - like Tom Hanks spearing a fish in "Cast Away" - works for you, you know what, it works for me.

Because that hole totally deserves it, never forget.

Tom Robinson, (757) 446-2518, tom.robinson@pilotonline.com