Thanks for the carbon purge, guys

If you believe that a certain presidential candidate is the secret agent of a Belgian beer conglomerate, which even now is conspiring to steal Americans' precious bodily fluids and barley, I admire both your fantasy life and your knowledge of early Stanley Kubrick movies.

Now let's say you believe that the first man and woman were cooked up 15 minutes ago in a plasma oven by benevolent aliens from the Omega quadrant, and you want that creation story taught in school. Ah, now you've gone a bit too far. But nobody's likely to care, because you're crazy.

But say, instead, that you believe warnings about global climate change are some kind of elaborate lib'rul conspiracy hatched by Al Gore and the Trilateral Commission in a secret meeting around a bonfire fueled by Bibles. That it's all some distraction, so environmentalists can scuttle our cars and boats and air conditioners, and has nothing to do with a century of statistics or decades of scientific investigation.

You will not be fooled by something like "science" and "theories" and "facts." You will not bow down. Because you stand for freedom and right-thinking, you will do what any real American would: You will give more money to oil companies and make it harder for everyone to breathe. That'll teach 'em. That'll teach 'em all!

Now, guess which call and response I didn't make up?

Ordinarily, I try to ignore the rantings of the reality-averse; these people clearly have more than their share of personal problems as it is. Except that earlier this month, they intentionally messed up my planet.

Perhaps, though, I have it wrong. After all, under the umbrella of a conservative group called Grassfire.org, these folks claim to have spewed an extra 112,957,642 pounds of carbon dioxide to facilitate the "purging" of "carbon guilt." Personally, I think that sounds suspiciously New Age, perhaps Aquarius, but whatever.

If these folks were just transferring wealth to the oil companies in a hydrocarbon conflagration, I'd say that's their own decision. Since I'm sure I've got Exxon Mobil stock in my 401(k), I'd even say I appreciate the gesture. Sure, I might be able to find better things to do with my money, but the world takes all kinds.

But critics say this wasn't just about contributing to Big Oil. They say this was about being intentionally profligate, like opening a nice bottle of wine and pouring it down the sink. I say such waste is unthinkable for true conservatives, who believe foremost in conserving the bounty that has been provided on Earth.

Otherwise - and it's perhaps best not to delve too deeply into this psychology - it would mean these people prefer to foul their own nests to make a political point. I wasn't brought up that way; neither were you. Neither were these people.

If the critics were right, and I'm not granting anything, we'd have to believe these folks had decided that their own indignation was more important than anything, than the health of their own children. Unthinkable.

The guilt would be paralyzing. Worse than the carbon guilt I didn't even realize I had. Thankfully, though, they realized I had it. Because they care. That's what they are: people who care.

Since they care so much, we needn't worry about climate change. I'm sure, for example, that if global warming continues, these folks will be the first to climb up from their basements to fix things. If your kid's asthma gets worse because of pollution, give 'em a call. If any more of your shoreline disappears because seas are rising, ask their help with the riprap.

These people, after all, are just interested in true facts, as they like to say. They just want to purge our guilt. They just want to help.

Here's the great thing for the rest of us: They had better be.

If this global warming stuff turns out to be true, and most scientists say it will, the planet is in for some serious trouble.

Now, though, thanks to the confessions of those who know better than to trust scientists or facts, thanks to their bragging about 113 million pounds of unnecessary carbon dioxide, we'll know who to call. Who to e-mail. Who to blame.

Donald Luzzatto is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. E-mail him at donald.luzzatto@pilotonline.com.