Turning against the turncoat truth-teller

EARLY ONE morning in the Oval Office...

 "Good morning, Mr. President."

"What is it now, Karl? Hey - wait a minute - you don't work here anymore! Aren't you supposed to be over at FOX News doing your 'fair and balanced' thing?"

"I have the day off, sir."

"Well, it's certainly nice to see you, Karl, but I'm really, really busy. In fact, right now I'm waiting here by the phone in case John McCain calls to ask me to campaign for him in public."

"I see. I'm afraid this is more urgent, sir. It's about Scott McClellan."

"Scott who?"

"One of your former press secretaries, sir. After Ari and before Tony and Dana."

"Oh. Right, right. One of my buddies from Texas! What happened to that scoundrel?"

"That's the thing, Mr. President. He's written a memoir about his days at the White House. And I'm afraid it's not very flattering."

"Bad writer, huh?"

"Um, no, sir. It's not that, exactly. Among other things, Scott says the Iraq war was not necessary. He says you signed off on - and I quote - 'a strategy for selling the war that was less than candid and honest.' "

"I'm shocked and awed. What else?"

"Scott describes the vice president - again, I'm quoting - as 'the magic man' who 'simply could not contain his deep-seated certitude, even arrogance, to the detriment of the president.' "

"Let me guess: Dick has offered to take Scott on a hunting trip."

"Not that I'm aware, sir."

" Gitmo?"

"It's under discussion, I believe. In the meantime, Mr. President, we need to formulate a strategy for responding to these accusations."

"A less than candid and honest strategy?"

"It is my specialty."

"You're too humble, Karl. What do you suggest?"

"Well, our people are already hard at work blasting McClellan as a turncoat and an opportunist. I've personally compared him to a left-wing blogger. But I don't think we're getting enough traction. We need to rev it up."

"I'm listening."

"We need to spread rumors he's been brainwashed."

"By aliens?"

"No, sir. Our internal polling shows we're vulnerable if we mention aliens of the extraterrestrial or the illegal variety."

"We actually do polling on extraterrainiums, Karl?"

"Yes, sir. As a precaution."

"I see. So, it must be terrorists, right? Scott was brainwashed by Osama bin Laden, is that it?"

"Interesting idea, sir. But that would, of course, call attention to the fact that we have spent roughly $957.32 kabillion in Iraq but haven't captured bin Laden."

"Any day now, Karl. Any day now. I can feel it in my gut."

"Yes, sir. I want us to plant the idea - quietly, of course - that Scott McClellan was brainwashed by none other than Barack Hussein Obama."

"He is a persuasive speaker, I have to admit. Sometimes I almost find myself believing in change."

"Exactly, sir. If we play this right, rumors of a brainwashing scheme might cause more Americans - particularly moderate Republicans who call themselves Obamacans - to think they're being duped."

"Duped, you say?"

"Yes, sir. Duped into believing a relatively inexperienced man with no track record of success in the business world can lead our nation in a complex world on the basis of feel-good, mumbo-jumbo like 'I'm a uniter, not a divider.' "

"Gee, I don't know."

"It worked once, sir. Twice, actually."

"You're talking about my campaigns, aren't you, Karl? You're saying we duped people?"

"I'd be less than candid and honest if I said no, sir."

"All right then. Let's call it - I dunno - 'Operation Lather, Rinse, Repeat.' Go tell the nation Scott McClellan has been brainwashed, and they're at risk, too."

"Thank you, Mr. President. I'll get right on it, sir."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.