If I had time for Twitter

One day ago: Read in the paper about Twitter users. Learned that Twitter is for people who don't have time to send e-mail.

Twenty-three hours, 59 minutes ago: Thought the above was inane. Thought maybe those people shouldn't have computers.

Twenty-three hours, 57 minutes ago: Figured Twitter users must not have jobs. Or families.

Twenty-three hours, 56 minutes ago: Hunched that Twitter users don't have time to breathe, get too little oxygen to brain.

Twelve hours ago: Called wife on way home. Wondered if I should pick something up for dinner.

Eleven hours, 59 and a half minutes ago: Listened to wife's cell ring and ring and ring.

Eleven hours, 59 minutes ago: Didn't feel like hearing voicemail woman explain calling options, hung up.

Eleven hours, 30 minutes ago: Arrived home without incident.

Eleven hours, 29 minutes ago: Wife and three kids got home from mud-puddle-splashy walk.

Eleven hours, 28 and a half minutes ago: Wife asked where I had been. Told wife I had called, asked her why she didn't answer, even though it seemed obvious.

Eleven hours, 28 minutes ago: Gave two older kids baths.

Eleven hours, 27 minutes ago: Wife said she ordered pizza.

Eleven hours, 26 minutes, 59 seconds ago: Wife elaborated, said I should go get pizza.

Eleven hours, 26 minutes, 57 seconds and one exasperated sigh ago: Went to get pizza.

Eleven hours, 15 minutes ago: Got back.

Eleven hours, 14 minutes ago: Cut pizza up into small pieces like the kids like it.

Eleven hours, 13 minutes, 45 seconds ago: Kids told me didn't like it cut up like that anymore.

Eleven hours, 13 minutes, 43 seconds ago: Rolled eyes, grunted, looked at wife.

Eleven hours, 13 minutes, 20 seconds ago: Wife cut up pizza the right way.

Eleven hours, 13 minutes, zero seconds ago: Ate my own damn piece of pizza.

Eleven hours, 12 minutes ago: Dribbled pizza grease on fake Twitter entry.

Ten hours ago: Read bedtime books to two older kids.

Nine hours, 45 minutes ago: Put kids to bed, bolted doors shut from the outside.

Nine hours, 44 minutes ago: Wondered if Twitter users would know bolting-door thing was a joke.

Nine hours, 30 minutes ago: Sat down, opened beer.

Nine hours, 25 minutes ago: Went to fridge for second beer.

Nine hours, 24 minutes ago: Wife sat down, asked how day went.

Nine hours, 23 minutes ago: Told wife "hold on" and filed Twitter report that wife asked how day went.

Nine hours, 22 minutes ago: Told wife she should just read my Twitter file.

Nine hours, 21 minutes, 45 seconds ago: Wife asked what Twitter was.

Nine hours, 20 minutes ago: Told wife it was a thing for people who don't have time for e-mail.

Nine hours, 19 and a half minutes ago: Wondered what's for people who don't have time for Twitter.