Laptop, laptop, have you any secrets?

"Federal agents may take a traveler's laptop computer or other electronic device to an off-site location for an unspecified period of time without any suspicion of wrongdoing, as part of border search policies the Department of Homeland Security recently disclosed."

- The Washington Post, Aug. 1

"WHATCHA got there, Mitchell?"

"Another laptop, Wilson. The fellow carrying it was bellyaching about the airline charging seven bucks for a blanket and a pillow. So I nabbed him."

"Sounds like he's a potential menace to the homeland. Good work. Finding anything interesting on his computer?"

"Well, I turned up an e-mail cleverly hidden in a folder marked 'spam.' It's from the son of a deposed Nigerian prince asking for help wiring $21 million to a U.S. bank account."

"Aaah, so he's associating with Nigerians, is he? Interesting, interesting. Remind me: Are the Nigerians for or against us in the war on terror?"

"Against, I think. Or maybe for. To tell you the truth, I have an awful hard time keeping track."

"Me, too. You'd better copy the e-mail. I don't like the sound of it. Anything else?"

"A video with Paris Hilton in it."

"Wonderful! We'll detain him on obscenity charges."

"Actually, sir, it's a copy of John McCain's recent commercial mocking Barack Obama's popularity."

"Celebrity. Not popularity. There's a big difference. What else did you find?"

"Something that looks like an office pool on potential vice presidential picks by Obama and McCain."

"What are the choices?"

"Well, for Obama, there's Tim Kaine."

"Never heard of him."

"And Joe Biden."

"Heard TOO much. What a windbag."

"For McCain, there's Eric Cantor."

"Eddie Cantor? Didn't he die ages ago? "

"Uh-uh. Eric. A congressman, apparently."

"Never heard of him either. Who else for McCain?"

"Dick Cheney."

"Really? Hmm. Interesting."

"Yeah. But, you know, I sort of figured Cheney would keep running things no matter who wins in November."

"We can only hope. Anything else?"

"Well, there's an e-mail on the fellow's laptop from his second-cousin's mother-in-law's hairdresser's daughter's boyfriend's stepbrother whose mechanic's wife's childhood friend's aunt's middle son Jack's youngest boy Adam is serving in Iraq."

"And what's the e-mail say?"

"Well, according to the second-cousin's mother-in-law's hairdresser's daughter's boyfriend's stepbrother's mechanic's wife's childhood friend's aunt's middle son... uh... middle son... "

"Jack."

"Right. Jack's youngest boy Adam saw Obama slap a soldier for accidentally walking between him and a CNN camera."

"Wow. That's a celebrity for you."

"Think it's true?"

"Oh, for crying out loud, Mitchell, it's an eyewitness account! Forward that e-mail to me, and I'll send it to everyone in my address book. We have to spread the news."

"You're right. We can't trust the lamestream media to report stories like this."

"Exactly. Anything else?"

"That's about it."

"Excellent work. Let's secure the laptop as evidence and put the owner on a flight to Guantanamo."

"Already scheduled."

"Great. Oh, and Mitchell?"

"Yes, Wilson?"

"Be sure the fellow gets a free pillow and blanket for his flight. I don't want to hear any bellyaching about civil liberties. We've got a war on terror to fight."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot.

Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.