Too blotto to be depressed

I do hope John McCain still has Phil Gramm's number. He owes the former Texas senator an apology and maybe even a guest spot in his next "Hot Chicks Dig Obama" campaign commercial.

It's been a month now since McCain's campaign gave its co-chairman the bum's rush for indelicately describing America as "a nation of whiners" who constantly grouse about how bad the economy is.

"You've heard of mental depression," Gramm explained, slowly enough for all of us who don't have a doctorate in economics to understand. "This is a mental recession."

McCain, who was presumably preoccupied with the early stages of formulating his innovative Barack-Obama-is-too-popular-to-win campaign strategy, chose not to defend his old friend.

Instead, McCain declared that, by golly, the U.S. economy really is "in shambles." And, as a point of clarification, he added, "Phil Gramm does not speak for me. I speak for me."

Well, it turns out old Phil was right, sort of. The economy's not so bad.

The truth is, our stomachs are plump, our faces are smeared with chocolate, our lungs are filled with the satisfying cloud of toxic smoke, and all of us - more or less - are blotto.

Consider the evidence, from a recent Associated Press report:

n Cadbury PLC, the world's biggest confectionery company, reported a 7.3 percent boost in sales in the first half of the year. The sugar buzz extended to Hershey Co., which posted second-quarter increases in sales and profits.

n Cigarette peddler Philip Morris International saw a 23-percent increase in earnings in the second quarter, and first-half profits were up 15 percent at British American Tobacco, too.

n Anheuser-Busch Co., the biggest brewer in the United States and maker of Budweiser, reported second-quarter profits. News was also good at Diageo PLC, the world's biggest producer and distributor of spirits, including familiar brands such as Johnnie Walker whiskey and Guinness stout.

Yes, it's true that these particular consumer goods generally tend to fare well, even in bad times.

And yes, according to the AP, these so-called "sin stocks" benefited from increased sales in growing markets such as China and India. But it's clear we Americans are holding own our liquor, too, thank you very much.

So let's set aside, for the moment, all this whining about job losses, foreclosures, mortgage lender bailouts and Iraqi interest earnings.

Let's hoist a few, take a long drag on a cigarette and accentuate the positive.

Instead of wallowing in a mental recession, let's wallow in a little chocolate fondue, shall we?

I probably should note that all the "sin stocks" aren't thriving. The gambling and porn industries, it appears, have taken a hit.

But that's nothing a few congressional subsidies - say, in the form of the "What's Good for Vegas is Good for America Act" - cannot remedy.

So make that call, Sen. McCain. Tell Gramm you're sorry. And give the man a prominent role in your next ad.

Maybe something along the lines of "Hot Drunken Chicks With a Sweet Tooth and a Nagging Cough Dig Obama"?

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer at The Virginian-Pilot. Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.