The final push we need

TO: Bill Ayers, Nancy Pelosi, Osama bin Laden, Barney Frank, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez, Simon Cowell, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Andy Griffith, Lex Luthor, Warren Buffett, the Big Bad Wolf, George Will, Satan, et al.

FROM: Barack H. Obama

RE: An important update

First, I'd like to thank all of you for the extra effort you've given the Obama-Biden campaign these past few weeks. I particularly appreciate your help dispelling the many scurrilous rumors about me and your work translating Joe's many squirrelly gaffes. You've certainly been busy.

As we draw closer to Election Day, Tuesday, I am truly humbled to think back to what the rumormongers might call my "youthful, carefree days at the madrasa," where I first realized that a little boy with big ears and a funny name could grow up to become president of the United States someday - provided, of course, that I could find an artful way to doctor my birth certificate. (Thanks, Martha Stewart! I couldn't have done it without you!)

Now here we are, on the verge of world domination, give or take a few red states.

In the final days of the campaign, I trust we can stay focused on "hope" and "change."

On that note, I do hope you're aware of the big change awaiting Sen. Ted Stevens and the new opportunities it presents us. The Alaska senator has been convicted of seven felony counts involving violations of federal ethics laws.

What does it mean for our agenda? For starters, it's clear we will be able to accelerate our sinister plot to redistribute wealth, or "spread it around," so to speak.

Why, we'll now have hundreds of millions of dollars - perhaps billions! - available to us that would have been diverted by Sen. Stevens to pork projects in Alaska, "The Original Welfare State."

Of course, our opponents may try to convince Americans that we'll take that money and spend it on socialist programs, like the Wall Street and banking bailout programs currently fashionable in the Bush administration.

But, no, I'd like to spend as much of Uncle Ted's windfall on average, hard-working Americans. I'm thinking of little bailout packages for people like Joe the Plumber, who could use some help paying his overdue taxes.

I know, I know: Joe the Plumber is already eligible for a tax cut under my plan because he earns far less than $250,000 a year. (Yep, we checked; unlike the McCain campaign, we actually vetted our vice presidential nominee, as well as the people we mention in our speeches.)

With the rest of Uncle Ted's windfall, I believe we can begin phasing in our health plan. We could start, perhaps, by helping out GOP workers who might need medical care after hauling away the $150,000 worth of clothing that Gov. Sarah Palin has promised to donate to charity.

Some of you have inquired how we'll divvy up the senator's gifts from his friends. Many, I know, are interested in the $2,700 massage chair that Uncle Ted said a friend "loaned" to him - for, I'm not making this up, seven years - not long after the senator slipped in an earmark to build a $2.7 million road extension directly to the friend's restaurant.

I'm not sure if our administration will have access to any of these items. I am hopeful, however, that we can put some of these assets to use.

Perhaps we could arrange to give the Stevens house to Gov. Palin - who was for Sen. Stevens before she was against him (true! ya can look it up!) - as a goodwill gesture and a thank-you for all the unintended help she gave our campaign.

And maybe we could deputize her and have her keep an eye on Russia. (Sheriff Taylor, can you put that on your list?)

As you know, we're likely to have similar opportunities to redistribute wealth in the months ahead.

There's all that cold cash from one of our own Democrats, Rep. William Jefferson of Louisiana, for instance. And the entire state of Alaska appears to be one large federal and state investigation right now. (Drill, baby, drill!)

Who knows? With any luck, we might eventually find ourselves palling around with a balanced budget.

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot.

Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.