A mere Facebook tweak stirs calls of 'Mutiny!' 'boycott!' 'sabotage!'

Just in time for Halloween, a terror haunts the American teenager.

Facebook has gone under the knife for a facelift. Gasp!

Admittedly, the jowls were sagging. Profiles were cluttered with applications galore and News Feed unchecked. Stuff needed to be tightened.

But just like with any plastic surgery, initial appearances are not the prettiest rose in the garden. There are bruises under the eyes. Many teens are demanding: "How do I see my bumper stickers? Where did all my information go?"

MySpace attempted its own facelift a couple of years ago by altering its layout. But by that time, that social networking site wasn't the "new hot thing" anymore, and the protests weren't so loud.

This time, however, the gripes threaten mutiny. Such a possibility, goosebump-raising as it might be, cannot be exaggerated. "Hot today, gone tomorrow" is the saying. I give you Exhibit A: MySpace. It was usurped by Facebook.

Still, Facebook has need to worry. I have already been courted multiple times to join the campaign against the transformation ("Petition Against the 'New Facebook': 1,000,000 And Counting"). Most of these crusades mention "boycott" or "sabotage."

Two years ago, Facebook was confronted with a similar insurrection after introducing stalker-enabling News Feed (though I can't remember when there wasn't News Feed). Obviously, that boycott failed. Because, hey, I just got on Facebook five minutes ago.

But will this uprising be different?

Some muckrakers are threatening to join rival networks. What rival network? Are you regressing to MySpace?

So far I've stood by Facebook. I will not support this rebellion; each offer I decline.

Because if I do revolt (like so many of my conspiring peers), my life will be awkwardly silent without distraction. Facebook occupies me in my boredom, even if only to allow me to write "Keith is bored" in my status box. It is the watering hole where I catch the gossip. Red Valentine hearts attract my eye to who broke up with whom. (Don't you want to pry, "What happened?")

But here's where I take a step back. Facebook is a convenient diversion, but it is not my lifeline. This hysteria borders on ridiculous. People need to get a life.

We don't need political alliances and cultural revolutions because someone got a nose job. After all, the economy lost a limb. And for heaven's sake, I prefer Facebook without the cellulite. No longer do I scroll through inane applications ("Send Cupcakes," hello?) to write a greeting on someone's wall.

If it comforts you, we don't have to live with this change forever. Within two years, the Millennial generation will follow a familiar pattern. We will migrate to a newer networking site, infesting and multiplying, until suddenly our exponential population growth is too much, and off we'll go again to new breeding grounds. (Sorry, I just finished my AP Bio homework.)

For now, though, wait to judge until the incisions heal. Once the sutures are out, you might just like what you're looking at.

Keith W. Zirkle, a senior at First Colonial High School in Virginia Beach, keithwzirkle@yahoo.com