Moose sausage to Machiavelli

Early one morning at McCain-Palin headquarters, an emergency meeting of campaign strategists is called to order...

"All right, everyone! Please take your seats so we can get started!"

"Hey, nice breakfast buffet! Is this moose sausage?"

"Uh, no. I'm pretty sure it's pork."

(Hissing. Crowd begins quietly chanting, "No more pork. No more pork.")

"OK, enough goofing around. We have a couple of important topics to address today. The first order of business is - "

"Wait! Is it true what I read in the paper this morning? That we wouldn't let reporters talk to the crowd at one of Sarah's rallies in Florida?"

"Yep. As we explained to a card-carrying MSM member who tried to leave the designated media area to talk to hockey moms and Joe Sixpacks and such, we intend to avoid negative stories."

"So, um, our plan is to limit access to the candidate and to the candidates' supporters?"

"Exactly. It's a sound strategy. We're going to talk directly to the American people."

"And we don't want the American people and Gov. Palin to answer questions from reporters?"

"Something like that. Now, if I could continue, please. New poll numbers are coming in, and they're not encouraging."

"Treason!"

"Settle down, please. The latest Wall Street Journal/NBC survey shows that 50 percent of the respondents don't think Gov. Palin is qualified to serve as president if called upon. An additional 8 percent are unsure if she is. The numbers are about the same as before her boffo performance in the debate with Joe Biden."

"Ouch."

"You betcha. So, let's get to today's main topic: Gov. Palin said during the debate that she intends to expand the powers of the vice presidency under the latitude granted by the Constitution."

"Our Constitution?"

"Of course, our Constitution, dummy. Who else's?"

"I dunno. Seemed like a reasonable question."

"So, we find ourselves in the familiar situation of - "

"Trying to explain what the devil she meant."

"Essentially, yes."

"Silly question, perhaps, but did the candidate herself have any idea what she meant?"

"Apparently not. It was an unscripted response."

"Maverick!"

"Riiight. Now, as you know, Vice President Dick Cheney declares his office is part of the executive branch when it suits his needs and the legislative branch when it suits his needs. And, of course, he sometimes says it's part of neither branch when that suits his needs, as well."

"Maverick!"

"OK. Enough of the M-word, please. Leave it to the speechwriters, will you? Now, this situation leaves us in a tough spot. How do we expand the vice president's powers further?"

"Well, what about the judicial branch?"

"What about it?"

"Maybe we could make her a judge."

"I don't think the Constitution allows for that."

"Our Constitution?"

"Yes, dummy."

"Hey, I know! Let's put on a show!"

"A show?"

"Sure! We could put a show on FOX. We could call it, 'Judge Sarah Barracuda.' "

"All right. I'm listening."

"Judge Palin could put members of Congress on trial every week. Democrats, mostly, but maybe a few Republicans to show she's a mav -"

"Don't say it."

"And Bill O'Reilly could ambush the defendants in the hallway afterward and shout at them! It'd be great."

"Interesting, interesting. We could talk directly to the American people."

"Darn right!"

(Whistling. Stomping of feet. Indiscriminate winking.)

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot.

Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.