Daryl LeaseThe White House is alive with the sounds of the season - blood-curdling screams, bone-rattling boos and spine-chilling screeches. And that's just McCain campaign manager Rick Davis, reading the latest opinion polls.
The president and first lady's annual Halloween party is in full swing when Dick Cheney steps into the room. He snarls as his eyes adjust to the dim light, a tad brighter than he prefers to keep it in his secure, undisclosed location.
"I'm sorry I ever agreed to this," he grumbles to himself. He'd wanted to spend a quiet evening in his bunker reviewing and shredding torture memos, but his wife, Lynne, convinced him he could use the fresh air.
The silly costume was her idea, too. The long-haired wig itched, and the entire get-up - bell-bottom jeans, tie-dyed T-shirt, beads and sandals - made his skin crawl.
"Bill Ayers, indeed," he mutters. "What a stupid costume idea." As far as he's concerned, the gag fell apart when Colin Powell refused - refused! - to dress up as Barack Obama and accompany him to the party.
Cheney stares glumly at his feet and wiggles his toes in exasperation. He's just about to pivot and leave when someone calls out his nickname.
"Big Time!"
It's President Bush, grinning and waving and wobbling his way. For most of his second term, the president has come to these parties dressed in his favorite costume - a pile of genuine Crawford brush, flown in fresh from the ranch. It takes chief of staff Josh Bolten hours to glue it together.
"Thanks for coming!" Bush says, slapping Cheney on the back. "Nice Oliver Stone costume!"
Cheney starts to correct him but shrugs it off. It doesn't matter; the stick figure is already wobbling across the room. Out of concern for his legacy, Bush doesn't like to stay in Cheney's company too long anymore. "I can feel my approval rating falling just standing next to him," the president frequently confides to anyone who will listen.
Cheney searches the room for a friend, or at least someone who won't bore him.
He spots former conservative stalwarts George Will, David Brooks, Christopher Buckley and Kathleen Parker, who are visibly chagrined to discover that they'd all shown up dressed as the traitor Benedict Arnold.
Cheney waves at them with half a peace sign.
Across the room he spots Sarah Palin, his would-be successor. It appears she was either too busy with the campaign to find a costume or she came dressed as Tina Fey.
Neither guess is correct. "I'm a maverick!" she shouts at him, striking a pose. "Get it? I'm a maverick!"
Cheney fakes a smile in response and retreats to a darkened corner, where he is startled to find someone dressed as Osama bin Laden.
"I very nearly strangled you!" the vice president exclaims as he peers into the bearded face. Why, it's conservative stalwart Ann Coulter!
"My goodness, Ann!" Cheney says. "I must say, your costume is amazingly realistic."
"I thought so," Coulter replies. "But you wouldn't believe how many administration officials have walked by me and whispered, 'Who's that supposed to be? The face is sort of familiar, but I can't place the name.' "
Cheney blushes and clears his throat. "We had to focus on Iraq," he mumbles.
Just then, Sen. John McCain crosses the room, brandishing a rake and shouting at a group of partygoers, "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn! I mean it!"
Spotting Cheney and Coulter in the corner, the senator stops, grins broadly and digs into his blue jeans pocket for his cell phone. He snaps a quick photo.
"My next campaign brochure!" he yells, then smiles and moves on.
Suddenly there's a commotion in the center of the room. A crowd quickly gathers. It's bloviator Bill O'Reilly, dressed as George Washington. He has George Will pinned to the floor and is thrashing him with his tri-cornered hat. Buckley, Brooks and Parker are, in turn, pummeling O'Reilly with their powdered wigs.
The room abruptly falls silent. The crowd parts, and the president wobbles toward the jumble of people on the floor.
"Is there a problem here?" Bush asks sternly.
"No, sir," the squabblers squeak. "No problem at all."
As the president wobbles away, he turns to his chief of staff and gestures in Coulter's direction.
"Saddam Hussein, right?"
Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot.
Reach him at (757) 446-2441 or daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.
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LOL
It's a very good concept in terms of humor, but it's a bit half-baked, and the costumes could have been made into very good metaphors for the politics within the white house, but the author appears to have passed on that opportunity
Daryl Lease Disappoints in this column
I want to like the Pilot. I really do. I want to be able to say, "I read in the Pilot today that..."(insert topic of the day), and to actually retain some credibility at the end of the discussion.
That said.
What the H-E-(double hockeystick)is this?
This has no place in a "great" newspaper. In an age of seemingly biased news media (some leftist/liberal and others right-wing);and even those news outlets whose owners are clearly interested in corporate spin, the VIRGINIA PILOT COULD STAND OUT by keeping the newspaper on course: providing up-to-date news, in an honest manner, devoid of spin. Make the words: "Fair and Balanced" more than just a catch phrase.
This piece would not have made the cut in my high school paper. What does that say about the Virginia Pilot that it is on the front page of pilotonline.com?
Dream
The column reminds me of the nightmare that awakened me last night. It was November 5. McCain had won. I was selling out and packing up for a move to Canada.
Continued fairy tail?
Will we be reading your childish fantasy saga of Halloween or any other night with the other parties players tomorrow? Please be sure to display the same degrading and immature fairness and equality. Is this the caliber of Editorial writings this areas only paper has to offer?
Here’s to VP’s editorials
As I’ve suggested in the past, this hack was probably writing for “Three’s Company” or some other lame comedy, and simply switched to newspapers when his sitcom career dried up. While I’m sure he laughed uproariously each time John Ritter tripped over the living room couch, most of us are too young or have outgrown slapstick, thus slapstick dialogue as well. But here’s to you, Lease, jumping the shark with another “editorial.”
Come and knock on our door.....
We've been waiting for you......
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three's company too.
Failure to launch?
What exactly does Mr. Lease do for The Pilot, substantially? I know he's a writer, but generally a writer has to accomplish one thing, make a point. I can see his attempt to be humorous in each of his articles, but it isn't even half-hearted in its execution; and nothing is pointedly concluded.
I would rather read a well written editorial (whether I agree or not) than a poor attempt at humor that has the substance of a bread and water diet.