Political swag: It’s easy to celebrate the candidate of your choice

Everyone knows - or is supposed to know - that people in polite society don't discuss politics, religion or money. So besides the people who read your blog, no one knows where you stand in the coming election.

Unless you have a yard sign: It does the dirty work of screaming out your affiliation to all the passers-by who didn't ask. (McCain sign, $7, johnmccain.com; Obama sign, $8, barackobama.com )

But a yard sign isn't intended to be mobile. Thus, you'll need a buttons, a hat and, to really influence those crucial undecided voters, a bumper sticker.

A plain old candidate sticker won't do. Since it's highly probable you won't appear as a pundit on Fox or MSNBC or even have your publicist get you on "The View" anytime soon, a bumper sticker can distill your entire worldview and philosophy into a strip of paper stuck to the most visible part of your car.

Why be subtle? "Nobama: Keep the Change" tells everyone you're not only generous with your spare coins, but snarky too. ($4.99, freedomhq.com ) Conversely, "John McCain: No Country for Old Men," implies you appreciate clever in-jokes, as well as the thick intellectualism and beauty of Cohen brothers films. ($7.90 at zazzle.com )

Naturally, you'll need a T-shirt. Both candidates offer them on their Web sites, but their quality cotton and restrained designs seem boring compared to the bootleg Barack Obama T-shirts you can find at shops selling faux gold, human hair extensions and fake nails. The shirts are bright, and occasionally look handcrafted. Plus, they're cheap: You can get 20 for about $3, which certainly is an effective counter to charges of elitism. (As of press time, we could not locate any McCain-Palin T-shirts in barbershops or beauty supply stores.)

Heaven forbid we alienate the feet. Hot Flops offers flip-flops for each candidate, which, despite their slightly creepy cluster of candidate heads at the toe, are actually pretty cute - as long as you don't actually wear them. ($15, flopyourvote.com )

Also cute: Sarah Palin. Oh, come on, you know it. Hugh Hefner knows it. Tina Fey knows it. So does entrepreneur Paula Young, who pounced on the fact that the "Palin Up-Do" is the must-have do of the season. She's made it easy to replicate Palin's sought-after look with hair pieces, clips and volumizers (prices vary, paulayoung.com). The "Presto Change-O" piece definitely sounds presidential.

Perhaps, with or without irony, you're planning on going as Sarah Palin for Halloween. You've got the hair; you need the glasses. Designer Kazuo Kawasaki designed the pair the governor popularized - the MP-704s are selling out nationwide. They retail for about $400 without prescription at various online stores. Knockoffs can be found for cheaper, but scrimping isn't how government officials do things, now is it?

With your home, car and body covered in presidential regalia, it's now your duty to become a missionary and actively encourage people to think exactly the same way you do.

Children, at least for now, still have few rights in regard to the clothes you make them wear, so why not force upon them the very adorable "McPalin Girl" ($25.80) T-shirt or a "Kids for Obama, Children for Change," ($21.55) shirt, both at zazzle.com?

Children savvy enough to remain neutral as to avoid being "accidentally" pummeled with a dodge ball might simply choose Nickelodeon's "Kids Pick the President" T-shirts, the fronts of which feature the word "Vote" and an American flag inside a peace sign. ($34, Lucky Brand Jeans stores)

As for adults, send them an e-card. The one reading "This E-Card has been specifically designed for John McCain" would likely be a hit among your tech-savvy friends; while the "I need you to know that your support of Senator Obama makes you a laughingstock amongst people who already were on the fence concerning your judg ment," might even get a chuckle out of his supporters at ecards.cerebralitch.com

All of us, though, can appreciate sentiments like, "Let's wildly overreact to every presidential poll update," one of many irreverent cards on the site someecards.com.

More tangible, and exponentially more frightening for its potential to cause harm, is "Loaded Questions: Political Party," a board game. ($14.95, barnesandnoble.com, amazon.com ) Presumably intended to be played with people you either know extremely well or are looking for an excuse to assault and never speak to again, this game asks players to "relax and openly discuss their viewpoints" and bills itself as a "catalyst for the sort of discussion our culture lacks." Perhaps, but what it really sounds like is a weapon of dinner party destruction.

Whatever side you're on, it's probably fair to assume that since only 25 percent of people reported in a Gallup Poll last week that they approve of President George W. Bush, at least some people will be celebrating on his last day in office. Said people would get a hoot out of the "Georgie Is Outta Here Party in a Box," created by a former music executive. ($39.99, georgieisouttahere.com ) Inside you'll find balloons, hats, a tablecloth, napkins, plates and a pin-the-tail-on-the-(don't make us say it) game, which features the head of Vice President Dick Cheney emerging from Bush's rear.

But Janu ary is a ways off. For now, your armor and decor should do the trick of trumpeting what you think.

One might be tempted to throw it all on come Election Day - after voting, of course. Election rules prohibit campaigning inside polling places, which can include wearing T-shirts and the like. Virginia law says you can't be turned away, but it's not unheard of for people to be asked to turn shirts inside out.

Hence, the beauty of 7-Eleven coffee. The ubiquitous mini-mart is offering red McCain cups and blue Obama cups for its 20 oz. coffees in time for the election.

And what's more democratic than 7-11 coffee?

Malcolm Venable, (757) 446-2662, malcolm.venable@pilotonline.com