Beware Russians bearing predictions

The afternoon mail recently brought a donation request from The Skeptics Society. I doubt I'll send money, the times being what they are, but I did thoroughly appreciate the free enclosed copy of "Learn to Be Psychic in 10 Easy Lessons!"

I enjoyed it so much, in fact, that I've added "soothsayer" to my growing list of fallback employment options. (One never knows when the sage owners of our nation's newspapers will decide it's time to boost shareholder value by selling their printing presses for scrap metal.)

We're smack dab in the middle of the busy season for psychics, of course. The nation's tabloids are once again brimming with predictions to help guide us through the uncertainty of the new year.

It's familiar fare, no doubt. Hillary Clinton will be forced to resign as secretary of state after it's revealed that hubby Bill fathered a child with a space alien he secretly married while on the rebound from Monica. ("Polygamist Ex-Prez Pummeled by Peacemaker Over Plutonian Progeny!")

George W. Bush will discover Saddam Hussein's long-lost cache of weapons of mass destruction while clearing brush at his Crawford ranch. ("GWB Finds WMD Behind Can of WD40!")

And President Barack Obama will finally admit he's Muslim. ("Bloggers, pictured here in customary Fruit-of-the Loom work attire, accept a Pulitzer Prize for their groundbreaking reporting on Mullah Obama.")

For my money, though, the most scintillating predictions for 2009 won't be found in the supermarket checkout line.

Nope. The really choice prognostications are in a recent edition of The Wall Street Journal - now owned, as it happens, by tabloid pioneer Rupert Murdoch.

According to The Journal, the hot visionary of the moment - in Moscow, at least - is Professor Igor Panarin, dean of the Russian Foreign Ministry's academy for future diplomats.

Technically, Panarin isn't a psychic. He's an "analyst," KGB-trained, and he has exciting news for Americans: We're headed into a civil war in 2009 that will lead to the collapse of our nation the following year.

Yee-haw.

The war, says Panarin, has been brewing for a while - thanks to our immigration policies, our recent economic pratfall and, of course, our relentless moral decline.

Panarin has been trotskying this prediction around the world for quite a few years, to mixed reviews. "Crazy ideas," a Russian scholar notes, "are not usually discussed by serious people." (Hence, my interest.)

This year, Igor's predictions are - in The Journal's words - "all the rage" in the Russian capital. He's been making the talk show rounds on state television, telling everyone about our supposedly imminent collapse.

My favorite part of Panarin's prophecy is his map of what the disunited United States will look like.

The West Coast, according to Igor, will become the Californian Republic and either fall under the sphere of China's influence or actually become part of China. (Premier Ah-nold?)

Hawaii will likely to become part of China or Japan. And Alaska will revert to Russian ownership, which would give Sarah Palin an even better vantage point for keeping tabs on Vladimir Putin.

Igor contends that much of the center of our country, stretching from Montana to Ohio, will become the Central North American Republic and will be dominated, maybe even run, by Canada. Who knew, eh?

Texas, Florida and several surrounding states will become the Texas Republic. Under Igor's scenario, it appears that both George and Jeb Bush will be working for Mexico, which will either own or operate the republic.

And, last but not least, the East Coast will become Atlantic America and probably will align itself with the European Union.

Here, I think, is where the KGB clairvoyant's woo-woo gets especially woozy. He claims that this republic will produce the highly unlikely alliance of Virginia, North Carolina, New York and the People's Republic of Massachusetts.

Forget red and blue states. Color us skeptical, Igor.

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot.

E-mail him at daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.