Couples turn to ceremonies in face of gay marriage ban

Buddy Rau says two things nudged him into tying the knot earlier this year: his 40th anniversary with gay partner Kila Chong and the 2006 state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

Two years after Virginians passed the amendment, the measure hasn't stopped some same-sex couples from celebrating extra legal holy union or commitment ceremonies at liberal churches.

"The people of Virginia voted the way they did, and I said I'm not going to hunker down - the hell with that," Rau said. He and Chong, both 68, recited their commitment vows last January before a minister at the Unitarian Church of Norfolk.

Meanwhile, faith-based advocates of the amendment contend the measure helped preserve Virginia law prohibiting gay marriage and fended off legalization of same-sex unions popping up elsewhere.

"What we've seen in other states like California and Connecticut, that reaffirms the importance of what Virginia did," said Jeffrey Caruso of the Virginia Catholic Conference. "Without a constitutional amendment, judges can change things."

Since 2006, the gay marriage debate saw California's Supreme Court legalize the unions last spring. Connecticut's highest court did so in October. Massachusetts is the other state allowing gay marriage.

On Election Day, California voters rescinded gay marriage, and Florida and Arizona banned same-sex marriages. Arkansas voters approved a ban on unmarried gay couples serving as adoptive or foster parents.

Virginia's faith communities had activists on both sides of the state 's 2006 amendment campaign. The amendment legally limited marriage to a union between one man and one woman.

The measure fueled passionate debates touching on civil rights, religious beliefs and government involvement in the lives of its citizens.

The two camps have different assessments of the amendment's effect since its approval.

"It allowed churches, Christian communities, to realize that the government at this point is still standing firm on Christian-Judeo principles," said Tracy Brown, a leader in VA4Marriage, a pro-amendment movement involving many churches.

At The Family Foundation of Virginia, Executive Director Victoria Cobb said the amendment removed the "threat" of gay marriage. The group's membership includes many evangelical Christians.

"What Virginia did when it spoke, it protected its children from being taught that marriage is something other than one man, one woman," Cobb said.

At Kempsville Presbyterian Church in Virginia Beach, the Rev. Nate Atwood said heterosexual marriage was the best setting for children.

He said the amendment's passage ensured that Virginia "didn't go morally or culturally backwards."

At the same time, "the fact is that people who are gay are not prohibited from living in a gay relationship," Atwood said.

That fact is small consolation for same-sex couples, such as those at Norfolk's Unitarian Church, who opposed the amendment.

"It was a harsh, severe slap in the face," said Glen Coats, who grew up in Chesapeake. "It's filled with vitriolic hate for a certain segment of the population in the way it was worded."

Coats, a research analyst, said he and his 16-year partner had a holy union ceremony years ago and had no marriage plans.

What they fear, instead, is wording in the amendment they think could allow outsiders to meddle in their wills and affect their ability to inherit property from one another.

The amendment forbids recognition of any kind of status that gives the rights, qualities or effects of marriage.

Coats, 54, is so concerned about the potential consequence of that text, he said, that he and his partner might leave Virginia when they retire. "It doesn't feel like home anymore," he said.

Same-sex couples who stay can at least have a symbolic, religious union ceremony at churches such as New Life Metropolitan Community Church, The Great Awakening United Church of Christ, Norfolk's Unitarian Church and the Williamsburg Unitarian Universalists congregation. All offered union ceremonies before the amendment.

"Whenever two adults come forward and say, 'We want to do this with the witness of our community and our notion of God,' then of course I want to say, 'Yes, yes, yes, let's do that. Who cares what the state is doing?' " said the Rev. Jennifer Ryu of the Williamsburg church.

At Great Awakening in Virginia Beach, the Rev. Nanette Hilliard said she gets eight to 10 requests a year for commitment ceremonies.

"It's not our place to say, 'No, God doesn't want your family to be blessed,' " Hilliard said.

Few couples pretend that religious union ceremonies equate to marriage.

"A holy union does not substitute and should not be mistaken for the same thing as a legally recognized marriage with all the rights," said the Rev. Reg Richburg of New Life.

There's still meaning in the ceremonies conducted for couples, including Chong and Rau.

Chong, a Hawaiian, and Rau, from New Orleans, became partners in 1968. They retired to West Ghent in Norfolk in 2001, Chong from government service, Rau from a heating and air-conditioning business. Both are military veterans.

"I always wanted a commitment ceremony since we first met," Chong said. Rau seesawed on the idea.

Their 40th anniversary on Jan. 12 seemed a good time to formalize their relationship at the Unitarian Church.

"We decided that a church that welcomes you, no matter who you are, is a good one to get married in," Chong said.

It was a small affair, with 20 or 30 guests. Chong imported leis from Hawaii for himself, Rau and the minister.

They didn't walk down the aisle. But their eyes teared up when they exchanged vows and the pastor sealed their commitment.

"It absolutely meant something to me," Chong said. "I thought that we look to a God who's all-loving."

It meant something else as well. "It helped us tell the God-fearing people who voted for the amendment: the heck with you," Chong said. "You don't want us, but we want each other, and our friends want us."

Steven G. Vegh, (757) 446-2417, steven.vegh@pilotonline.com