'12 Rounds:' At least it didn't go on for a 13th round

It's midnight Thursday at the Lynnhaven Mall theaters in Virginia Beach and the faithful (and one film critic) are gathered. In the theater next-door, a mob waits to see "The Haunting in Connecticut," but we've had enough hauntings, even if Virginia Madsen is in it.

Here, in our theater, sit about 20 guys and one girl. She looks uncomfortable but she's there, presumably, to stand by her man. (Or, maybe, just to see John Cena take off his shirt.)

Most of the guys in the audience look as if they might pull a knife.

One of them, who spots me taking notes, points out that "You better like this because it's going to be a damned good flick. Do you even know who John Cena is?"

Guilty.

But when the movie, "12 Rounds," begins, we realize that John Cena is a man whose arms are larger than most guys' legs. We later learn, by dutiful research, that he was the 2008 winner of wrestling's Royal Rumble. (Sorry we missed that.)

Disappointingly, "12 Rounds" doesn't refer to a boxing match, and Cena never does take his shirt off. Instead, the supremely silly plot involves a crazed villain who forces Cena to rush around New Orleans on 12 stunt-missions. It's one of those movies in which the hero is constantly told to "Go over to the telephone and look for the next clue." By the fifth or sixth round, we're ready to take a dive.

Credited with the screenplay is someone named Daniel Kunka, who must have flipped out after looking at too many episodes of "Survivor." There is a decidedly "reality TV" kind of stunt manipulation here.

The villain gives Cena, and poor old New Orleans, a thorough pummeling in his determination to tease the police detective long enough to reach a 90-minute running time.

There is an elevator plunge in which a supporting character makes the supreme sacrifice that supporting players must make in movies like this. There are two big explosions.

The best scene is one on A Streetcar Named Dumb that is set loose with no brakes. Never mind that this is New Orleans, not San Francisco, and the hill required for speed crashing doesn't quite fit the lowland geography of Louisiana.

The traditional "revenge" motive is set off when the cop, played by Cena, proves to be better than the FBI and captures a heinous terrorist who, we are told, has brought down a trans-Atlantic flight, bombed an American embassy and decapitated his brother. Bad dude.

A guy this bad should be more foreboding than the puny suggestion of Aidan Gillen, who plays the part.

His shapely girlfriend gets run down by a car during an early chase that involves Cena's character. Her untimely demise is, indeed, a minus for girl watchers. The terrorist soon escapes from prison to come back to New Orleans and punish the cop with his endless reality-TV-quality challenges.

If Cena's character doesn't meet all the tests, his girlfriend, Molly, will meet a fate worse than death - or maybe just death. Molly is played by a wholesome-looking lass named Ashley Scott. Her job is to look threatened at all times (and to occasionally cheer him on by phone before the villain slaps a tape back across her mouth).

This movie represents a new low in the downward spiraling career of director Renny Harlin, who, after "Die Hard 2," was expected to emerge as one of our more successful action directors. Here, he uses quick cuts and shaky cameras to substitute for real action. You can't see a lot.

Cena is not much for fight scenes - even if he was wrestling champion. Instead, his character runs a great deal. Always, though, toward the culprits. The most ludicrous scene is one in which he dashes through dozens of backyards to head off the villain, who is racing away in a car. Can a guy really outrun a car? Only in movies like this.

Cena is a photogenic guy with a square jaw and a surprisingly gentle demeanor. After "The Marine" (2006), he apparently is still in pursuit of the franchise roles that will go to the next big B-budget action regular who will replace the aging Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal.

When not wrestling, Cena has a rapping career and he has recorded a thing called "Your Time is Up, My Time is Now." He must hope the lyrics are prophetic.

In any case, "12 Rounds" makes it abundantly clear that he is not talking about Laurence Olivier.

Mal Vincent, (757) 446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com