A plug-ugly government agent who particularly hates "illegal aliens" points out early in the game that "no matter what they look like, they're not children. They're not even human."
But they come in peace!
What they look like to the Disney studio is another chance to rob its own vaults and capitalize on a past hit - the way they did with "The Parent Trap," "Freaky Friday," "The Love Bug" and "The Shaggy Dog." No kid flick from the past is safe from the retread route, certainly not 1975's "Escape From Witch Mountain" or 1978's "Return From Witch Mountain." Both were based on the young people's sci-fi novel that came out in 1968.
"Race to Witch Mountain" is not a remake but, as they say, a "reimagining." Yet again, it concerns two kids, a brother and a sister, who are from outer space and must get back to their spaceship. If not, it will mean the end of the Earth.
Don't ask that it make sense, just believe that it is fast-paced in a way that makes it more an action-adventure than either of its predecessors.
But even alien kids need a taxi.
In Las Vegas, they hail a yellow cab driven by Dwayne Johnson, the former pro wrestler known as The Rock. Here, he's a soft rock - probably grateful that no one thought of casting him in "The Wrestler." Apparently intent to duplicate Arnold Schwarzenegger's career as closely as possible, he is proving he can do comedy, as Arnie did in "Kindergarten Cop." Next, he'll probably run for governor of California.
Johnson also proves that he knows how to wink at the camera. He's rather likable at reacting to all kinds of strange things the alien kids do.
He gets a $750 fare (plus 500 percent tip) to drive them to a deserted place in the middle of the desert. The trip, though, includes a noisy series of crashes with SUVs driven by government agents. Ciarán Hinds frowns and orders his goons to "go after them" at regular intervals.
AnnaSophia Robb and Alexander Ludwig play the teens with paranormal abilities. They speak perfect, if stilted, English, don't have piercings or tattoos and don't demand caterwauling music on the taxi radio. Johnson should have known right away that they were not of this world.
These two, with their special powers, provide the child empowerment that kids love to see in movies. In hits like "Spy Kids," adults are so inept that they need children to save them.
Hollywood's other secret weapon is that baby boomers may well go see the movie as a reminder that it was one of the hits of their early teens.
Between all the noise and action, you might be amused by trying to spot the cameo players. Ike Eisenmann and Kim Richards, the child actors from the 1970s originals, have tiny parts. Garry Marshall is a flaky space expert. Cheech Marin is present, minus, thankfully, his cheap drugs act.
After an exciting first half, things become a little claustrophobic in the messy interior set that houses the spaceship. Why go to Witch Mountain, if you're just going to be inside a laboratory that looks like it was built in Hollywood?
Just to be sure every base is touched, the heroes pick up a dog along the way. The aliens can read dogs' minds.
Sparked by fast pacing, this should get an adult crossover. It's all much more fun and diverting than we expected.
Mal Vincent, (757) 446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com
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