Please (please), cut out those 'E.D.' ads - it's for the kids!

Please clip this column, fill in the blanks and send it to your local congressman.

Together, we can make a difference. - Mike

Dear (insert the name of your congressman or congresswoman here),

I am writing to you today about a very important matter: HR 2175 by Rep. Jim Moran of Virginia.

Because you're busy solving issues like the economy, you may not be aware of this bill, which is aimed at toning down the frequency and content of commercials for erectile dysfunction. And since the average age of a member of Congress is 57, I promise not to use those words again.

As a constituent in your district who is a television owner, and as someone who watches sports and who gets a little squeamish around public displays of affection, I support Moran's efforts.

First, a little history.

The reason for the bill, Moran wrote in a letter to drugmakers a few weeks ago, is that "parents should be able to watch a football game with their kids without having to either mute the television or explain the side effects of a life enhancement drug."

He introduced a similar bill in 2005 and met with drug company executives who then agreed to tone down the ads, but he says they're back with a vengeance.

Gross.

Here is why I hope you will support his cause.

These commercials give kids the wrong idea about sex.

In one ad, a couple is

relaxing in side-by-side

clawfoot tubs.

Sitting in a bathtub is not sex.

"I don't know what that means," Moran said of the commercial. "I don't get it."

Stop already with the "That's what she said" jokes.

These commercials show people washing dishes and walking in fields together with a goofy look in their eyes.

These are not euphemisms. They're weird. This country needs to have a serious discussion about sex education, and these ads aren't helping. Before we know it, guys will be walking up to women saying, "Aww, girl, why don't you and I sit next to each other in adjoining bathtubs and watch a sunset together? Later, we can wash dishes."

Unacceptable. But there is a more important reason to pass this bill.

The sports season is in full swing.

This is the time of year when semifans feign interest in all kinds of sports, watching a few games and, unfortunately, the commercials that go with them during lazy weekends.

If Congress doesn't act fast, innocent Americans will be subjected to watching extras from "The Golden Girls" playfully throw flower petals at each other while a soft-spoken announcer warns about things lasting "up to four hours"

This is scary stuff.

There is a time and place for these ads - 3 to 4 a.m. On Cinemax.

Moran likes watching the Celtics, but he has a difficult time when his granddaughters ask him what E.D. is. He has said he wants to limit the commercials so they don't appear before 10 p.m., like those for hard alcohol.

I say, as my representative, he hasn't gone far enough. He should ban the commercials from sporting events altogether, including ESPN and all reality shows while he's at it. America will take all the other commercials. The car sales commercials, the "$5 footlong" commercials, the screaming and shouting about OxiClean. We would do it. We would trade three ShamWow guys for every ED commercial that was off the air.

People from across the country have put down their foam fingers and written to Congressman Moran to express their support. I hope you can join them.

(Your name and address here)

Mike Gruss, (757) 446-2277, mike.gruss@pilotonline.com