Wipe that smile off your face; DMV is serious

OK, we're almost finished, and I'd like to thank you for your patience with the DMV. I know it's been a long couple of days here.

Just one more thing before you go: the photo. So, if you can just stand on that X, I'm going to run through a quick set of rules before I click-click.

Virginia is one of four states that does not allow residents to smile in their DMV pictures. Messes up the whole looking for terrorists/criminals/frauds thing. It's new. Started in March. So I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the lighting up the room to my camera.

Also, if you wouldn't mind: No winking. No sticking out the tongue. No smirking. No sneezing.

No raising one eye brow. No scrunching of the nose. No puckering of the lips. No flaring of the nostrils.

No keeping the mouth open. No looking directly at the camera. No looking away from the camera. No glimmer in the eye.

No sneering. No gritting of the teeth. No looking tired. No hair covering the eyes. No ponytails. No side-ponytails. No sunglasses.

No air guitar face. No faux surprised. No looking like you might kill me.

Ready? Say buffalo mozzarella.

Hold on. Excuse me? Of course I know it doesn't make sense to stop smiling, but just go with it. It's the only way the state knows to prevent shenanigans.

A company that scans 17 million faces for New York state and a few Canadian provinces says there's no evidence that smiling foils the results. Illinois was able to prevent 6,000 fraudulent licenses by comparing photos, and those folks were able to show some teeth. But somehow Virginia is one of four states that outlaws you opening your purdy lil' mouth, so if you'd just close it...

click-click

Gotcha.

OK. Well, looking at this first take, maybe you weren't listening. We're going to have to try this again. Remember, Virginia is for lovers. Stoic, stone-faced lovers. You still seem to have a hint of expression on your face. So just cool it, Guy Smiley. All I know is they say smiling makes it harder to identify you. It certainly makes my job harder explaining this garbage. Hey-O!

Can you make your face a little stiffer? Push the lips back a little more? A little less teeth. And maybe not so wide-eyed.

Technically, the industry's best practice is a neutral expression, but no one really knows what neutral means, so just listen to me. This is an old trick they taught us in DMV photography school. I'm going to say a series of phrases guaranteed to wipe that smile right off your face.

High-speed rail. Governor's race. Swine flu. Chinese drywall.

All right. Maybe that worked too well. You look a little mopey. I need dull. Show me dull. Show me a thousand-mile stare. Show me the face you made when we discussed change-of-address procedure. Show me vacant. You're a zombie. You're a sleeping zombie with his eyes open.

OK. One more time. This time, try not to be so... uh... old. The wrinkles tend not to help with the identification process. See if you can pinch your cheeks back a little.

Wow. That one turned out great.

You look horrible.

It's perfect.

Mike Gruss, (757) 446-2277, mike.gruss@pilotonline.com

Editor's note: