'Year One,' an Old Testament romp likely to start an exodus

"Year One" turns out to be precariously close to zero when it comes to wit. With the entire Old Testament for material, the best that veteran director Harold Ramis and his cast can come up with are the same old poop jokes, flatulence jokes, gross-outs, circumcision talk and, of course, snide references to the sacrifice of virgins.

In the bicentennial year of Charles Darwin, this film about the old days puts the idea of evolution much in question. It more directly raises the question of how Jack Black became a movie star. There is something menacingly aggressive about Black's approach to comedy. His one trick is a raised eyebrow. He's better when he plays serious roles. As a comic, he is so done.

It is scary that he is teamed with the likeable, innocent presence of Michael Cera, who is cast as the most naive of cave boys.

This pair will never rival Abbott and Costello, or even Martin and Lewis. Cera has a nerdish exterior that is effective in reacting to Black's vulgarities and is funny for seconds at a time. After his breakthrough in "Juno," he deserved better than this.

Black is introduced as a hunter caveman who spears another caveman rather than the wild boar. That, immediately, is a hint of the level of humor to come.

Cera, on the other hand, is a gatherer, trying to pick strawberries and eye the sweet young cave girl he keeps giving dead birds to. He's so shy that he's afraid to ask her to dance the difficult Jackal Dance around the camp fire. He's so heroic that he thinks of volunteering for the sacrifice of the virgins, but they want only females.

The hapless duo get banished from their tribe and wander off for a tour of the ancient world.

One by one, the predictable lines come. "What happens in the walls of Sodom stays in Sodom." "Get out of line, you're no virgin." There's the tortured slave who, assigned to pound mud, remarks, "You gotta love being outside."

We rush through the Old Testament, where Black, as Zed, tastes of the Tree of Knowledge (to no avail) and watches as the Mark of Mediocrity is placed on it all.

Actually, it's the Mark of Cain. Paul Rudd contributes a cameo as Abel, who is struck repeatedly in the head with a stone.

Adam, the father of us all, is "sorely vexed." (So are we.)

Abraham sacrifices his son Isaac, and everyone runs off to Sodom for an orgy or two. (The scene was funnier when George C. Scott played it in John Huston's "The Bible," and that wasn't even a comedy.)

Perhaps these jokes were new in the Year One. In spite of rumors, we weren't there. It is not likely, but the jokes might play better if the audience made a visit to Sunday school first. The guys behind me had no idea who Adam or Abraham were, much less Cain and Abel.

Oliver Platt plays the high priest who likes Cera to rub oil into his disgustingly overly hairy chest. He adds to the gross quotient by analyzing the entrails of a sheep. Ugh. As Abraham, Hank Azaria is there somewhere, hiding behind makeup and probably preferring that you see him in "Night at the Museum."

Veteran Harold Ramis directed and co-wrote this, and it shows how desperate he must be to get his hands onto the disposable cash of 14-year-old boys, whom, one can only presume, are the targeted audience. Ramis, after all, was associated with the likes of "Groundhog Day" (1993) and "Ghostbusters" (1984), both of which are regarded as minor comedy classics. And, he also wrote and directed "Caddyshack" (1980), so we went into this expecting a little something.

In the final reel, Black makes the customary serious speech that these comedies often include - as if to do penance. "Find your own destiny" he tells us. Nothing like last-minute profundity.

We know what some of you are thinking as you read this: "Well, it's supposed to be a mess, isn't it?" Or, "You can't talk about it in adult terms."

Sure, but even looking at this from a kid's-eye view, it's lame.

You're better off to rent Mel Brooks' "The History of the World: Part I" (1981), which brings absurdity and mania to the game. We're still laughing about how Brooks, as Moses, dropped one of the tablets and the Fifteen Commandments became the Ten Commandments. And who can forget the dance number commemorating the Spanish Inquisition?

That's how to do a movie like this.

Mal Vincent, (757) 446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com.