The text-message answer man

By Carrie White Correspondent

Who was the 1964 World Series MVP? What is the square root of 99? How can you tell if a boy really likes you? Why did Alexander the Great have Aristotle's nephew beheaded? Who knows the answers to all these questions?

Thirty-year-old James Cooper does. And at a charge of 99 cents per text message, he, or one of kgb's thousands of other independent contractors in the United States, will enlighten you, usually in 102 characters or less. The New York-based company kgb, which stands for "knowledge generation bureau" (in lowercase to distinguish it from the Soviet KGB), was founded in 1992. It's among a growing crop of companies that puts information at people's fingertips.

Cooper, who until recent layoffs was a Virginia Beach sheriff's deputy, has been working for kgb for several months to earn extra money while he watches his children.

"It's a great job for anybody out of work and as a source of temporary income. You make your own hours and work from home."

After about an eight-hour training program, which familiarized him with kgb's numerous search engines and an in-house database teeming with answers to already-answered questions, Cooper began answering "live" questions. Initially, all his answers were monitored by a supervisor. After about a week, Cooper was released to spread his own brand of enlightenment and settle bets.

So what is the process for enlightenment? Well, first someone texts a question to kgb. (People can also use the company's Web site, www.kgb.com.) At night, that someone is usually either at a bar with buddies or at home with relationship issues. During the day, that someone could be a mother looking for directions, a teen looking for test answers or someone wondering about the weather.

The question goes in a queue, which pops up on Cooper's computer screen when he logs on for work. He is able to pick any question in the queue, regardless of when the question appeared.

"Usually the easy questions go first - the ones we've seen before, the horoscopes, stuff like that."

Most questions are in the queue less than five minutes. Cooper said the longest he's ever seen any question on the screen was about 15 minutes, and that was during an extremely busy night. Cooper answers most questions in less than two minutes. Speed is important, because he gets paid 10 cents a question.

What types of questions appear in the queue?

"We get lots of song lyrics. Some people want the entire song, and we can't send more than 160 characters - so they keep texting us back until we give them all the lyrics. Sometimes we get, 'Is this a computer I am talking to?' - stuff like that. We get lots of video game questions - cheat codes, walk-throughs.... We'll answer any question you've got!"

Kgb policy does not require that risque questions be answered, but Cooper doesn't mind answering them. The strangest question he has ever gotten was from someone who had just defecated on his neighbor's porch and needed advice on handling the situation. Cooper advised him to remove the offending material in a bag and, more importantly, not to let his neighbor find out.

That wasn't the first time a kgb agent had handled that question - the answer was in the company database.

That database is also filled with general chitchat questions.

If someone asks, "I'm lonely. Can you talk to me?" the company has a standard answer.

"One lady texted in about 30 times just wanting to talk. She was lonely. We reply, but those replies are from kgb," Cooper said.

Another popular question is, "Can you milk a hamster?" Cooper says you can. The service does get disturbing questions, including ones about committing suicide. Those questions are referred to a suicide hot line, and kgb does not charge the person texting.

People have all types of reasons for using the service, Cooper said.

"Some people just need a person to talk to. For some, it's another avenue of information. Others, well, I'm not one to say people are stupid, but when I was 21 or 22 at a bar, I'd have done it, too!"

Want to take a stab at those introductory questions?

The answers are Bob Gibson, 9.94987437, if he seems to want to be with you and hangs around you, and because he was accused of treason. Reading this article might have saved you $3.96, but if you have other questions, you know one source that'll help.

Carrie White, caramine2@aol.com