'Vampire's Assistant': Circus runaways beware

If it isn't zombies, it's vampires. Does anyone know the number for pest control?

Or, more urgently, cliche control?

With "Evil Dead: The Mus-ical" onstage in Norfolk and a number of people finding amusement in local movie theaters in the banal "Zombieland," it seemed that zombies were taking over. Now vampires are fighting back. They're big on television's campy, Southern Gothic-funny "True Blood" on HBO. As something to do while waiting around for the next hot-vampire-boy "Twilight" movie, you'd think "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant," which opened in theaters Friday, might serve the fans. It's unlikely, though, to make much of a splash. It's too unfocused to satisfy any given audience.

It's a teen film mixed with a horror film mixed with an existential trauma and a half dozen bona fide freaks. There is not one scare. There are a few mildly humorous lines: "I think I'll hit the pine early tonight." "Eat my hand. It grows back."

A cast of respected Broadway theater veterans and three Oscar nominees have cameos and elevate the hopes, but things center on two pretty routine high school boys who toy with becoming vampires after seeing a freak show. Josh Hutcherson, who seems to have been playing this age for far too many years, is the bad boy who encourages his nice friend Darren (Chris Massoglia) to go wrong. Darren comes under the influence of a vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly in a red fright wig) and agrees to become "half a vampire" to save his pal from a fatal spider bite. Because he's only 50 percent committed, he can still go out in daylight and doesn't kill his victims by sucking them dry. He accepts a quick death in favor of a long life on the dark side. But, since he's a good boy, he has second thoughts. Massoglia's character is such a wimp that he won't have a chance at snaring any of the teen-girl "Twilight" fans.

The three Oscar nominees on hand are Reilly (nominee for "Chicago"); Ken Watanabe (nominee for "The Last Samurai"), who plays the cirque leader with a big head; and Willem Dafoe (nominated for "Platoon" and "Shadow of the Vampire"), who plays a weird character with plucked eyebrows. Broadway's Jane Krakowski is a character who can regrow dismembered body parts (which comes in handy since there is a werewolf around). Salma Hayek plays a bearded lady. The assorted other oddities include a green snake man who wants to be a rock star and a monkey girl (who is actually the love interest).

The most appealing characters are a frisky spider named Madame Octa and a bevy of short guys who cover themselves with shawls and waddle about like ducks. They have the doe eyes of a Disney character but very sharp teeth.

Reilly gets serious with lines like: "Life may be meaningless, but I still have hope for death."

Based on a series of books by Darren Shan all about the vampire adventures of the character named Darren, there obviously was a plan that this would be the first in a series of movies. The prospects, though, look dim. Hope fades for the movie when it stays much longer than it should and sinks, in the last reel, into a bland melee.

Mal Vincent, (757) 446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com