Tinfoil hats are not enough

A Spotsylvania County delegate is sponsoring legislation this year that would put an end to a disturbing threat to public safety. Virginians are in danger of having top-secret microchips implanted against their will.

It must be true because the General Assembly is considering a law against it, and the Internet is full of warnings about the danger.

The alarming prospect of involuntary micro-chipping naturally has some people wondering whether they are already victims. Since symptoms include coughing unnessarily and hearing dogs barking when no dogs are around, there’s at least a fair chance.

Other symptoms include terrorists repeating victims’ thoughts inside their heads. The microchips have the ability to record those conversations and play them back. Somehow — perhaps involving lasers — the miniature computer circuits can also make 3-D scans of victims’ bodies while they sleep. It’s not known whether the scans are in color or black and white.

Del. Mark Cole apparently wants such blatant violations of privacy to cease, but other legislators have so watered down his bill that only insurance companies and employers are banned from using “tracking devices ... transmitting an individual’s identity, characteristics, status, group membership, travel history or location.” The penalty is a mere $500, which would be paid into the Literary Fund for school construction.

Even cursory research on the Internet reveals the primary perpetrators of this conspiracy to be aliens, Mexican dentists, hair transplant specialists of all nationalities and the police. A further sign of the conspiracy: Those groups have been exempted from the legislation. A scan of the legislature provides ample evidence that dentists and hair transplant specialists have already worked their will.

Virginians should immediately demand that Cole’s bill be returned to its original form. Tax credits should be approved for aluminum foil hats and chicken-wire beds, both of which are proven to dampen signals and prevent aliens from reading our thoughts.

Finally, incentives are urgently needed to encourage Virginia industries to develop technology to neutralize the microchips already implanted.

Currently, only one company in Canada possesses this skill, and it charges a non-negotiable $15,800 “with no written guarantees.”

Since it appears Mexico and Canada are in cahoots, a resolution is also in order to abolish the North American Free Trade Agreement. The budget crisis can wait.

Legislators need to take action now before it’s too ... Uh, is that a dog barking?