Way more fun than watching paint dry

IN ITALY or Brazil or Ivory Coast or Japan, World Cup soccer matches will stop everything for a few hours. In the United States, at best, we might pause to check out the score.

For such a goal-oriented nation, we don't care much to watch them being made.

Soccer ranks among the sports Americans play most - especially when young. We just don't watch the Beautiful Game, even when the best players of the world take the field. Which they'll do, starting this morning.

Whenever I tell people I'd turn off just about any college football game for a well-played soccer match - last winter's NCAA finals, won on penalty kicks by Virginia, was pretty good - they look at me as if I'd just said my passion is watching paint dry.

In the interest of improving soccer's standing among countrymen more accustomed to cheering football or baseball or basketball, I offer the following translations:

A kickoff in soccer begins the game, but it's nothing like a kickoff in American football. (Football - by the way - is what everyone else in the world calls soccer.) The opening play of any American football game is filled for a few seconds with drama, until somebody gets tackled and everyone stands around. A kickoff in soccer is simply the way to start the game at the beginning of a half or after a goal. In all likelihood, nothing will happen during a soccer kickoff.

But immediately after the kickoff, most everyone on a soccer field will begin running. In soccer, running is like walking, standing, huddling in American sports: It's what players do. Soccer stops for only a few minutes between halves. Otherwise, soccer players run for 90 minutes, or until they fall over. The resulting fitness - as well as their penchant for tattoos - is why soccer players are always taking off their shirts.

Goalkeeper does not equal goalie. America is one of the few places where the person wearing the bright shirt and the silly gloves is called a "goalie." In most of the English-speaking world, he is called a "keeper," which is what a goalie shouts as he throws himself around the box defending the net. In Italian, apparently, he's a portiere, or doorman, which is far too polite and hard to scream. Speaking as a former keeper, I can tell you that in any language, goalkeeper equals crazy.

A pitch is what soccer folks call a field. It's also what fans rarely have. That won't deter them from singing silly songs for every minute of every game for the next month. As far as I can tell, America's side is still in search of a team song. Given our chances in the World Cup, I recommend "Somebody have Mercy" by Sam Cooke.

Strikers are players known for their acting ability. Aside from the lack of scoring in soccer, American fans are often startled by the drama. Strikers have been known to lie down on the pitch and writhe in agony because a defender blinked at them. It's called "diving," and it's supposed to be illegal.

Offside in soccer is similar to icing in hockey, or perhaps the infield fly rule in baseball. Not in content, but in comprehension. Offside is one of those laws that confuses everybody, including fans, parents, players and referees. Here's the gist: When the ball is struck for a pass, a receiving player must have two players between him and the goal. Regardless of what actually happens, custom dictates you must scream "He was offside!" every time somebody scores against the American side.

Even if the goal is just to earn a tie. A tie - or draw - is one of those soccer results that drives Americans crazy. Nobody wins. Nobody loses. A tie is like kissing your sister, we're told. In World Cup scoring, a team gets three points for a win and one point for a tie. If a tie is like kissing your sister, that makes a win like kissing your sister three times, which is really inappropriate. It's also the goal.

Not to be confused with a goal, which is what happens when the ball gets past the keeper and gets into the net. A goal in soccer is the equivalent of at least two touchdowns in football, or a three-run homer in baseball. A goal in any high-level soccer game is a very, very big deal. If we're lucky, maybe we'll see America score a few.

Donald Luzzatto is editorial page editor of The Pilot. E-mail: donald.luzzatto@pilotonline.