A 'daily deal' the whole city can enjoy

They call it "the coolest stuff in your city."

Hampton Roads bargain hunters have been deluged by a new business model in which a daily deal is e-mailed to penny pinchers. If enough people accept the deal, they each can earn a heavy discount, like $12 of breakfast sandwiches for just $6. Or two hours of hot-stone massage for the price of one hour. The deals work only if enough people accept the offer.

While it's great individually to save $6 a pop, what the people of Hampton Roads really need is a one-click solution to problems caused by idiotic government shenanigans.

In the hopes of helping the region save a bit of money and salvage a bit of pride, I'm suggesting these deals for Hampton Roads.

It works like this: Only one party must accept an offer for everyone to take advantage of the discount.

Start shopping.

For Norfolk citizens

Today's deal: Two city audits for the price of one. Auditors have been busy this year, investigating whether Community Service Board employees are showing up for work over a 12-year period or city employees are using city funds to buy cell phones for gangbangers.

Even though this deal doesn't expire until the end of the year, we're confident it will burn a hole in the city council's pockets and members will cash it in before the end of the month.

For the Virginia Beach City Council

Today's deal: Approve a light-rail line into your fine city and receive 7.4 miles of track into Norfolk - and a backbone - free. Save on all the pooh-poohing, finger-pointing and administrative mistakes that have been absorbed by the startup's leaders.

For the Dodge Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon presented by SunTrust

Today's deal: Thirteen obscenely ostentatious and instantly forgettable sponsorship names on your race for the price of one.

Sure, one more mega-conglomerate's logo would have fit on the T-shirts, but because the event already has two naming sponsors, who's going to remember them all anyway? Rake it in!

For Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli

Today's deal: File two guaranteed-to-make-Fox-News court briefs, and pay the filing fees for only one. Oppose federal mandates? Subpoena university professors with dissenting views? There's no wrong way to interpret this law of savings: it's the perfect way to enforce your agenda without legislative approval.

For Norfolk City Commissioner of the Revenue Sharon McDonald

Today's deal: Two weeks of ridiculously expensive meals at Richmond's finest restaurants for the small price of the people's trust. Perfect for that important (family) meeting over lobster, caviar or foie gras.

For everyone obsessively checking the weather map

Today's deal: Pay now for all your hurricane panic, and have it last the rest of the hurricane season. Worried about flooding or trees falling on your house? Moving your car at the hint of high tide? Having nightmares about losing power with two pounds of carne asada in the freezer that you don't want to waste?

Get the nervous fits out of your system now, then enjoy the rest of fall preparing for college football tailgates.

Mike Gruss, (757) 446-2277, mike.gruss@pilotonline.com