A modest to-do list for the AG

For much of the past year, Ken Cuccinelli waged a valiant campaign against global warming. Denying it, that is. Actually battling it would be outside the scope of his duties of Virginia's attorney general, of course.

But this week a retired - read activist - judge in Albemarle County rejected a civil subpoena issued by Cuccinelli against former University of Virginia climate scientist Michael Mann.

Cuccinelli suspects fraud in the professor's pursuit of grants for his research, but the judge determined that the state's top attorney didn't provide the appropriate paperwork to justify a review of the professor's paperwork.

Mann, who now works at Penn State, declared the ruling a victory for academic freedom. But Cuccinelli, tinpot helmet only slightly askew, seems inclined to continue his crusade.

Cuccinelli acknowledged that the decision was "not an outright ruling in our favor" but politely noted that the judge had provided helpful guidelines on how to file paperwork appropriately.

So it appears his quest for a civil subpoena - technically, a "civil investigative demand," or roughly one step above a Fifeian "Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!" - lives on.

Even so, the judge's ruling is a worrisome development. If this particular windmill just won't tilt, Cuccinelli could find himself with a bit of idle time.

Oh, sure, he's suing the federal government over just about everything but President Barack Obama's birth certificate. (So far.)

And, of course, there's the delightful pen-pal relationship he's struck up with state Del. Bob Marshall, who's taken to asking for an advisory opinion from the attorney general on social-policy proposals that the two of them couldn't get passed when they were both in the General Assembly.

But, in the event Cuccinelli finds himself short of headline-grabbing ideas, here are a few modest proposals:

- Help Gov. Bob McDonnell finally develop a transportation plan, which is still based largely on unicorn feathers, Jack Daniels and fairy wands.

- Investigate the presence of fairy wands in the governor's office.

- Launch an exhaustive search for campaign contributor Bobby Thompson, who's disappeared amid accusations that he fraudulently collected money for a bogus veterans group under a stolen identity.

- Launch an exhaustive search for Lt. Gov. Bill Bolling, who has mostly fallen from sight. (On second thought, perhaps Cuccinelli would prefer his potential gubernatorial rival remain headline-free.)

- Negotiate more favorable interest rates for municipal credit cards in Virginia Beach and Norfolk. Also, ensure those magnetic strips haven't been worn so thin that they interfere with the ability of employees to dine out on the taxpayers.

- Get a part-time job as an accounting technician at the nepotistic Norfolk commissioner of revenue's office. Granted, he's not related to Sharon McDonald, but maybe he can pass himself off as a distant cousin.

- Rent a season of "Will and Grace" from Netflix to see if it complies with "natural law."

- Take lessons on operating a bulldozer from Portsmouth's renaissance man, Sheriff Bill Watson. Also, see if Watson has noticed any deals on Craigslist for road construction equipment. (Other than fairy wands.)

- Research the authenticity of holy oil handed out in Norfolk Public Schools. Also, check Craiglist for less offensive versions of fetus dolls.

- Try to extract public information from public officials in Suffolk.

- See if modeling and simulation programs at the U.S. Joint Forces Command can be retooled to advance the cause of state's rights. (And still collect federal dollars, of course.)

- Conduct a daily roll call at Norfolk city offices, where absenteeism is known to stretch on for 12 years without detection. Ask around about "Bobby Thompson." Also "Bill Bolling."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. E-mail: daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.