The number you have dialed...

Hating Verizon isn’t hard. Just call the company. Or e-mail them. Or try a chat.

At the beginning of September, I tried all three.

The Luzzatto clan had been forced by fate to move in a rush. That meant we needed to quickly arrange to forward bills and mail and do all the other horrible things involved with relocation.

I called the credit card and insurance companies. The cable company and the newspaper. Over the past few years our family has moved to an All Wireless All the Time telephone life, so we decided it was time to ditch the landline, at least until we find a new permanent home.

I called Verizon. Please cancel our telephone service on Monday. Refer callers to this cell number. No problem, I was told.

I believed them. After all, Verizon does this all the time. It’s dead simple.

We moved. It was chaos. I didn’t think to check that the old number had been forwarded to the new number.

Then I did. “The number you have dialed has been disconnected.” The next sentence was that ominous warning that there was no other information available. Anyone who called the number we’d had for seven years was left to think five Luzzattos just disappeared.

I called Verizon again. Hey, can y’all fix this? Sure, I was told. Sorry about that. A few days later I called our old number again. Still no other information. Now I was a little irritated. It had been eight days since the move, which meant that everyone who called our old number probably thought we had fallen off the Earth. I called Verizon again. I was transferred to a specialist. Somehow, instead, I ended up connected to some guy in California who said he couldn’t handle the problem because he was so far away.

He transferred me back, presumably to someplace closer.

The phone went dead. I tried again. This time somebody asked me for my account number, which I didn’t think to have since nobody had asked for it during two previous conversations.

You can almost hear the gotcha gleam cross the mouth of the Verizon operator as he told me he couldn’t help me without it.

I’m not alone in being treated this way by The Phone Company. Just a few days ago, a friend spent an hour on the phone trying to straighten out an order he had made online because he dreaded actually talking to Verizon on the phone.

But hating Verizon is silly. It’s like hating the sun.

You may burn with your hatred. But the sun just keeps shining.

I, too, gave up trying to talk on the phone with the phone company. I went online and tried a chat. I was connected to a very pleasant (I assume) human being who politely asked whether he could help me. I said yes. I explained the problem. He said he couldn’t help me.

So I sent Verizon an e-mail: “Can somebody please fix this?”

I was told I needed to register with Verizon online.

I was tired: “Are y’all serious? Or do you just hate your customers this much?”

Nevertheless, I tried to comply. I filled out all the fields. I gave Verizon more information than it deserves.

Then Verizon told me the registration had failed. And that I should try again sometime when I have more minutes to waste.

I sent Verizon another e-mail: “This would be comical if it weren’t so frustrating.”

Verizon responded by asking me to call it. I cried.

Later, I pretty much gave up hope of ever getting this straightened out. I just started taunting Verizon.

I made fun of their fake apologies, which were identically worded and identically insincere. I questioned the existence of their customer service reps. I told them I would never be their customer again, though I’m sure one day I’ll have no choice.

They kept asking me to call them anyway. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too soon.

Then, because I was despondent and didn’t know what else to do, I called our old number.

“The number you have dialed has been changed. The new number is … ”