Virginia is for shudders

Lt.. Gov. Bill Bolling today announced the Virginia is for Lovers iPhone App - the first, statewide mobile travel guide that puts more than 12,000 attractions, events, accommodations, restaurants and special offers at visitors’ fingertips. - a recent press release from the lieutenant governor’s office

Some day in the future, at a tunnel near you. Well, sort of near you ...

“Lovely. Another traffic jam in Hampered Roads. Just lovely.”

“Hey, check it out! I just downloaded that new Virginia tourism app. We can plan our next staycation while we wait for the road to clear. This thing has hotels and everything.”

“If we don’t start moving soon, we’ll be spending the night at the 'Tunnel Inn.’ ”

“I hear there’s an Olympic-size pool inside when it rains.”

“That’s a relaxing thought. So, what’s on the Virginia is for Lovers app?”

“Hmm. Lots of liquor store icons. Looks like Gov. McDonnell’s bold transportation plan really took off, huh?”

“At least the booze flows.”

“Oh, look, a photo of Monticello! I love Jefferson. He was such a brilliant man! Flawed but brilliant.”

“Yeah, but the tea partiers downgraded him over that whole separation of church and state thing. He’s sort of the Pluto of the Founding Fathers now.”

“But wasn’t George Allen a Jeffersonian Republican?”

“That’s passe.´ I think he’s a Gandhi Republican now. Um, why is there a little icon of a man in a suit in front of Monticello?”

“Oh, that’s the lieutenant governor. It’s part of the app’s 'Where’s Bill?’ game. It’s kind of fun. There’s also a 'What’s Cuccinelli Suing the Federal Government for Now?’ game.”

“Sound like a waste of time. But I guess that’s appropriate.”

“Look, there’s the beach!”

“Are those lighthouses?”

“Um, no, they’re toll booths actually.”

“Wow. Look at them all. And they’re all over the state!”

“Let’s see. Looks like there are 3,871 toll booths, pretty much everywhere but at the entrances to the rest stops that are still open. Here’s a $10 toll. Here’s one for $15. And that one’s $25.”

“Criminy. We’re going to have to bring a loan officer with us.”

“He’ll have to hold a suitcase. Correction: There are toll booths in front of the rest stops. And, let’s see, pay toilets, too.”

“Pathetic. How about rail? Can we take a train?”

“I see proposed stations.”

“That’s a big help.”

“With liquor stores next to them.”

“That’s convenient. What’s the icon there spewing smoke?”

“A coal-fired power plant. Looks like Surry.”

“I think I’ll skip the surf in surf-and-turf when we eat out. I’m not big on mercury as a condiment.”

“Oh, look what they’ve done with the old Joint Forces Command!”

“What?”

“It’s the Bob McDonnell and Kenneth Cuccinelli Center for the Study of State’s Rights and Federal Overreach.”

“Well, they certainly pulled that one out of the fire, didn’t they? Why is there a vacuum cleaner next to it?”

“Um, it’s part of the old JFCOM, too - the Hampton Roads College of Nude Housecleaning Knowledge.”

“So they stuck with modeling and simulation, huh?”

“Yep. Hey, looks like traffic is moving again. The brake lights on the car in front of us just went off.”

“No, he turned off the engine.”

“Oh, look. There’s an app for that, too.”

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. E-mail: daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.