The Tao of Tosh

By Will Harris

Daniel Tosh needs an upgrade.

Tosh, the host of Comedy Central's Web-centric clip show "Tosh.0," has been practicing the art of stand-up comedy since the late 1990s. Tosh keeps his game fresh by returning to the road between seasons, and his current tour brings him to Chrysler Hall tonight.

Unfortunately, because of his tight schedule, the comedian has placed a moratorium on all interviews until the Season 3 premiere of "Tosh.0," which returns Jan. 12.

So we decided to put the Tosh on Tosh. He's an outspoken comic and he always goes for the laugh, if not the jugular. We've taken statements found in YouTube clips of his stand-up appearances to create our own question-and-answer interview.

Let's start with a few hard-hitting questions. First of all, do you think marijuana should be legalized?

"I think we should legalize marijuana in this country. I really do. Just so potheads have nothing to talk about ever again."

What are your feelings on corporal punishment?

"The death penalty? I'm for it. Kill 'em. People that are against the death penalty always say things like, 'Well, what if you put to death an innocent man?' And to that I say, 'Good!' It's worked out in the past. Am I right, Christians? John 3:16?"

And gay marriage?

"I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house..."

Do you participate in any charitable endeavors?

"I started a charity called 'Febreze-ing the Homeless.' Who would you give a dollar to, the guy who smells like liquid garbage or Ocean Breeze? 'Is that lavender? Come over here, sir, I want to help you!' "

I understand that you've also taken part in several charity runs.

"I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check."

You talk a lot about women in your act. What's the most ridiculous thing a woman has ever asked you?

"'If I lost a leg, would you still love me?' What? No! A leg? Are you kidding me? Whoa, that's a bold move, to test our love with a limb. You could've started with a fingernail and found out real quick I'm shallow."

Anything else?

"You ever hear girls say, 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual'? I like to reply with, 'I'm not honest, but you're interesting!' "

How do you feel about women getting cosmetic surgery?

"I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance: fake. We have shows like 'Extreme Makeover': 'I don't want to develop a personality. You're better off cutting my face! Stretch it and staple it! Now I'm happy... or at least I look like it!' "

You're pretty successful these days. But are you happy?

"'Money doesn't buy happiness.' Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a Wave-Runner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome. It's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing. We all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us."