That generous landlord, Uncle Sam

Reacting to a surge in congressmen bunking down in their work spaces, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington wants the Office of Congressional Ethics to investigate whether the politicians are getting an unfair tax break and violating their own rules by making personal use of public resources. - The Washington Post

"The nerve of those people telling us to move out and find our own places to live! I work until midnight every night, and I get up at six."

"That's right. We give far more of ourselves than people realize."

"Exactly. Everyone knows we're not really compensated for all we've done for our country until we leave Congress and become lobbyists."

"And until then, it's the people's business, around the clock."

"Do you have any nines?"

"Nope. Go fish."

"Did you hear what CREW's executive director, Melanie Sloan, said? 'House offices are not dorms or frat houses.' Frat houses!"

"Speaking of which: You know that congressman from New York, Christopher Lee, who resigned after he took a photo of himself flexing his muscles and sent it to a woman on Craigslist?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Was he one of us?"

"Naw, he had his own place. You could tell from the bathroom mirror and the sink in the photo. Not as classy as our place."

"Yeah, it is nice here. Oh, if I were a career politician - and I'm not - I might do some remodeling. But it's comfy."

"CREW is saying that living here should be a taxable benefit!"

"How many of us are there, anyway?"

"This so-called watchdog group says more than 30 Republicans and Democrats. But maybe as many as 50 after the midterm elections."

"We're a force to be reckoned with. We should have our own caucus. The Rent Isn't Too Damn Low Caucus."

"Sevens?"

"Go fish."

"We're being criticized because we're living within our means, just like the government should. And it's not like we're taking handouts."

"Except maybe the paper towels in the restroom. I do use those."

"C'mon, air-dry your hands and then wipe them on your pants like everyone else. With attitudes like yours, how are we ever going to get a grip on the national debt? You want your grandchildren paying for those towels?"

"I never really thought of it that way. Speaking of which, how are those spending cuts coming along?"

"We're slashing $100 billion in our first year, just like we promised in our Pledge to America!"

"We should call out for a pizza and celebrate!"

"Well, our leaders are eyeing $74 billion in cuts from the budget that President Obama requested and didn't get. So the cuts from current spending levels actually will be under $74 billion."

"Oh."

"And since we're already halfway through the fiscal year, it'll be even less."

"Maybe we should just go with a plain cheese pizza?"

"But we could still shut down the government to force real changes."

"Awesome."

"We could shut it down over budget cuts. We could shut it down over raising the debt ceiling. We could shut it down over funding for the health care law."

"I like the last one."

"It's just like Newt Gingrich said a year ago. When we win the House and Senate in the midterms, we can stop the health care law by refusing to fund it. Newt said, 'If we win, we have every right to say the American people have spoken.' "

"Um, but we didn't win the Senate in the midterms."

"Close enough. We'll grind this place to a halt just like Newt did 15 years ago. Then they'll listen, buster."

"But that didn't end so well. Newt looked like he was throwing a tantrum, and Bill Clinton was re-elected."

"This revolution is different."

(Pause.)

"When we shut down the government, do we leave the heat on in our offices?"

"Of course, you ninny. We're out to freeze spending, not ourselves."

"Ah. Good, good."

"Besides, if we were paying rent for living here, I'm sure the heat would be included."

"Kings?"

"Fish."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. E-mail:

daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.