Signs, signs, everywhere, signs

News item: The House Judiciary Committee has approved a bill sponsored by Rep. Randy Forbes that seeks to reaffirm "In God We Trust" as the national motto and promote its display in public schools and government buildings.

Early one morning on the assembly line...

"Hey, there! You're new here, aren't you? My name's Pat. How's everything going so far?"

"I'm Thomas. Pleased to meet you. Well, I'm getting magic marker stains all over my hands, but other than that, I'm doing fine."

"Oh, those stains will wash out eventually. I kinda like the personal touch of our 'In God We Trust' banners and signs and buttons and what-all, don't you?"

"I reckon. I was wondering, though: Why are these things handmade? Why aren't they professionally printed? And why isn't the motto being engraved in buildings?"

"Well, we can't do that just yet. Those wall-between-church-and-state people are tying everything up in court. Sometimes we joke that Congressman Forbes' bill turned out to be the ACLU Full Employment Act."

"Didn't see that one coming, huh?"

"But the congressman was a visionary, wasn't he? Look at all these jobs! Remember how he was mocked for pushing his bill when there were supposedly more important things to address?"

"The economy. Energy independence. The deficit. The wars in - "

"Look around! Thousands of people are making signs that one day will go up in schools and courthouses all over this great country of ours."

"Um, who are those people over there?"

"Oh, that's the Allu Akbar Division. We hadn't counted on them being here, but we have to appease the Establishment Clause rabble-rousers for now. Makes me mad, but it's a free country, I guess."

"So, how many sign-making divisions are there?"

"Well, we're predominantly Judeo-Christian, of course. But then you got all your individual Christian denominations. They used to be all under one department, but we had to split them up. They started disagreeing on the proper way to exhibit their trust in God."

"Who would have thought?"

"And you've got your Muslim sects. And your Hindu, your Sikh, your Buddhist (they do a lot of work in sand; weird but pretty), your Zoroastrian, your Sufi, your Rastafarian (don't ever take a cigarette break with them, by the way), your Wiccan, your Mayan, your Gaian, your Shamashist. You name it, and they're here."

"Confucian?"

"You said it, bub. Nothing but confusion."

"So, all these posters and banners and stuff eventually will go in schools and government buildings?"

"Yep, everywhere there's an open spot on a wall. We'll slap 'em on highway signs if we can."

"Um, so what about these other people making signs for different religions?"

"Unfortunately, they'll get to post theirs, too, at least until we triumph in court. In the meantime, we're fighting back by making our signs bigger than everyone else's."

"That's a pretty big 'Thus Spake Zarathustra' banner over there."

"You're right! For Pete's sake, let's double the size of the one you're making! And I want everything in block letters!"

"Um, what if we tried smaller?"

"Come again?"

"You know, a small sign would be a novelty. It might stand out, and people might notice it first."

"How small were you thinking?"

"I dunno. Maybe the size of a dollar bill?"

"Yes, we could line the schools and courthouse with money! 'In God We Trust' is already printed on it! Think of what we'd save on overhead!"

"And these other people don't have their gods' names on their money. Well, except maybe for the Mammonists over there."

"The who?"

"Doesn't matter. Let me see your wallet. We'll get started now."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Email: daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.