The asparagus will betray you

"If we cross this constitutional line with health care now - where the government can force us to buy a private product and say it is for our own good - then we will have given the government the power to force us to buy other private products, such as cars, gym memberships or even asparagus." - Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, after a court hearing on his case against the federal health care act this week

Ding dong.

"Quick, Harry, suck in your gut! The feds are here!"

"Oh, for crying out loud, Louise. Give it a rest."

"Well, all I know, mister, is that there's someone at the front door, and he's wearing some sort of uniform. And if you don't get up off that couch and start looking 20 pounds thinner, he's going to know you never bought that government-mandated gym membership."

"Quit being so paranoid. Just answer it."

(Opening the door.)

"Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm with the cable company, and I was wondering if that's your car out there on the street because - "

"Isn't it a beaut? We bought it from Government Motors! Come in, come in. We have nothing to hide!"

"Um, thank you, but I just wanted to ask if you could move - "

"Harry! They want us to move! It's perfectly constitutional, of course, now that everyone is required to buy health insurance. The government has the right to force us to do whatever it thinks is for our own good."

"Oh, no, ma'am. I don't think you heard me correctly. I just wanted you to move your - "

"Is there a particular moving company that the government would like us to use? Harry, dear, why don't you use those strong muscles you built up at the gym and start packing up our belongings?"

(Muttering from the living room.)

"Ma'am, I guess I'm not making myself clear here. I just wanted to - "

"Are we headed to a re-education camp?"

"A what?"

"Isn't that what you - I mean, 'we' - socialists do? Get re-educated?"

"I don't know anything about socialism, ma'am. I'm with the cable company."

"(Whispering) It's my husband, Harry, who's the real problem. Don't get me wrong: He's a good man, but he's a little slow keeping up with the government mandates. Me? I'm all about hope and change, of course. (Loudly) Aren't I, Harry?"

(Muttering from the living room.)

"Ma'am. I'm afraid there's a big misunderstanding here. I just need you to move your - "

(Handing over a small plastic cup.) "Here, take this. Harry just filled it."

"What is this?"

"Why, it's a urine sample, of course! You know how asparagus changes the color of your wee-wee. We figured you'd want proof we're eating our government-mandated veggies!"

(Dropping cup.) "Lady, I don't know what's going on with you people, but I'm out of here! I'll work around your car!"

"Wait! We believe in climate change! Do you want to talk to us about it?"

(Sound of racing footsteps.)

"Harry! The feds are gone! For now, anyway."

"Did you remember to ask him if there's a government mandate to upgrade to the premium sports package?"

"No, Harry, I didn't. But I'm sure that's coming. These people will stop at nothing. Nothing."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Email: daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.