The mullah checks in

FROM: Mullah Omar, Commander of the Faithful

TO: Whoever's Left

SUBJECT: Jihad Update

Please allow me to begin with a personal note.

To paraphrase the American infidel Mark Twain, rumors of my achieving blessed martyrdom have been greatly exaggerated. I am alive and well and not living in Pakistan.

Repeat: Not Pakistan. The infidels should not trouble themselves looking for me there. Really.

Indeed, the last time I met with Pakistani intelligence officials was many, many years ago! We discussed fixing a parking ticket, and I can assure you it did not end well for them.

As you may be aware, we have suffered a series of minor setbacks in the past year, forcing us to - once again - suspend publication of our monthly newsletter, Tallyho from the Taliban.

We remain confident that these troubles are temporary and that we will be able to resume distribution, once we are able to reconfigure circulation routes to bypass the infidels' drones.

For returning subscribers, we will offer a generous discount, plus the collected works of doomsday predictions by the esteemed American mullah Harold Camping, volumes 1 through 462.

Until then, please devote your attention to the following important announcements:

- As you know, our dear friend Osama bin Laden recently achieved blessed martydom. Many of you have inquired how you might avoid a similar fate. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. For those of you dwelling in caves, we encourage you to make like a stalactite. Or a stalagmite. For those of you ensconced in conventional housing, we can provide the names of several reputable Pakistani moving companies.

- Some of you may have heard news reports from the infidels that they retrieved a treasure trove of pornography from the esteemed Osama's home. This is true, but I warn you not to jump to conclusions. These materials were simply research for his doctoral dissertation at the University of Abbottabad. As you know, I am not comfortable with the general concept of literacy, let alone continuing education, but he would not take my counsel.

- On a related note, if any of you wish to continue Osama's research, I have inherited a few items that may be of interest. Copies are available for pickup at the Ministry of Suppressing Vice and Promoting Virtue.

- Many of you asked in recent days about the exact nature of our relationship with Moammar Gadhafi, given that the infidels appear poised to smite him. For the record, he is an acquaintance. Indeed, we know hardly any dictators in our region.

- I am delighted to report that the 16th annual Blessed Martyr Reunion was once again a raging success. Though turnout was puzzlingly low again this year - what gives? - many senior Taliban leaders had a lovely time.

- If you know of any males (any age) who have not yet been volunteered by our recruiters to serve us, please notify your supervisor so that we can begin the enrollment process. Beards are preferred, but - given our recent setbacks - not essential.

- We continue to receive reports of rampant kite-flying in towns once occupied by the Taliban. I remind you that Allah and I abhor such activity and are especially offended by the Frisbee and, most especially, dogs chasing Frisbees. Hide-and-seek, as always, is permitted. In fact, we now strongly encourage it.

- And, finally, many of you have asked what you should do if you find yourself in hot pursuit by Navy SEALs. Just as the esteemed Osama did, you may wish to grab a woman to protect yourself.

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Email: daryl.lease@pilotonline.com.