You call that 'funky residue'? Ha. No, that's festive revenue.

Here we are in the last delicious days of summer, and what does Mother Nature do? She belches up thousands of gray ocean sponges all over our beaches. They look suspiciously like, well, whale droppings. They smell even worse. People are afraid to go in the water.

It's like "Jaws" without the teeth.

So far, not one of the spin masters at City Hall in Virginia Beach has asked this simple question: How can we turn this nasty invasion into something that fills hotel rooms and separates tourists from their money?

Guys, you're slipping.

Because I love my city and I, too, want to squeeze every last nickel out of Ohioans before they flee for the season, I propose that the Beach immediately do what it always does to enhance the tourist experience: Stage a festival.

Call it Spongapalooza, SpongeFest 2011 or Spongeroo.

The motto? "Sponges, we're swimming in them!"

It's critical that we quickly turn this ocean effluence into Resort City affluence. No one knows how long these disgusting bottom dwellers - dislodged during Hurricane Irene - will be with us. We need to brand them as rare and desirable. Before one more visitor drives away, never to return.

We'll all need to do our part. Here are a few ways:

If you find yourself on a beach that's lousy with these reeking landmines, admire them. Summon your friends by shouting: "Here's a beauty, I bet it's worth a lot of money!"

If you encounter sponges in the water, don't shriek in disgust. Instead, start a game of sponge polo and invite tourists to join in.

Restaurateurs need to get them on the menus. Chefs, don't be shy. Drizzle a little truffle oil on those suckers, garnish with goat cheese, charge 28 bucks a plate and foodies will gobble them up. Better yet, serve sponge sushi. If folks will chow down on raw eel, sponges should be a hot item.

There's got to be something in it for the developers, too, who will point out that the city lacks a "sponge-quality" hotel to accommodate the influx of visitors.

Here's an idea: Draw a TIF (tax increment financing district) around the Oceanfront potato sponge hot spots and ask for bids to build a five-star Hotel Sponge - with the public's money, of course.

If successful, we could put an end to the scene that was acted out on my favorite stretch of sand last Sunday, where people were holding their noses, pulling their curious children out of the surf and yelling at their dogs to drop the baking stinkballs.

Worse, some even questioned the potato sponge explanation.

"I've lived here 40 years and I've seen plenty of sponges," declared one leathery guy who was poking a gray lump the size of a brain with a stick. "I've never seen anything like this before."

With all due respect, sir, we can't have that kind of talk.

It's festival time.

Kerry Dougherty, (757) 446-2306, kerry.dougherty@cox.net, PilotOnline.com/dougherty