Readers speak: Raise booze tax, move 'Wisky,' lay off Reston

It's almost midnight on a Saturday. I'm on the elliptical, alone in the gym. Sweat pours down my face and puddles in my shoes.

Suddenly my cellphone rings, jolting me to attention. On the other end, the weekend editor.

"Where's your column?" he bellows.

"I'm still thinking," I pant. "I don't have a good idea yet."

"We can't hold the Sunday paper forever," he warns. "The presses are ready to run, and there's going to be a big hole where your column is supposed to be.

"You've got 15 minutes."

"Don't threaten me," I gasp. "It doesn't help."

That was a dream, a nightmare. It awakened me one night last week. I suppose it's the adult version of the never-went-to-class-and-now-it's-final-exam-day heart-stopper.

Those of us who were halfhearted scholars know exactly why we're still haunted by those terrors. But running out of column ideas? Far-fetched.

Fact is, local political shenanigans provide such a rich smorgasbord of outrage that I often lament having space only three times a week. And when we've all grown weary of our shameless pols - you know, the guys who don't pay their taxes or who turn their fury on the newspaper for exposing their backroom deals - I can always turn to the "readers' mailbag" for inspiration.

What do you say we take a peek at what The Pilot faithful have been saying these past few days?

- Joe in Virginia Beach has figured out a way to rescue local budgets and preserve teacher jobs.

"I have a great idea for a column," he told my voicemail Friday. "How about raising taxes on alcohol? If we did that, say 5 or 10 percent, we'd have so much revenue we could keep all these teachers."

Joe, Joe, Joe. In a word, no. This is a very bad idea. In fact, when times get tough, we should consider a tax holiday on booze, because drinking is one of the few activities most people can still afford.

- And here's one from Sally, who says that before Norfolk does anything to spruce up Waterside, it should consider "getting rid of that darn battleship." She thinks the Wisconsin is a wart on the waterfront.

I kind of like the battleship, Sally. On the other hand, would anyone miss Nauticus if that thing were sunk?

- Oddly, January's reader responses have been heavily tilted in favor of the 703 area code. Seems 18 little words buried in a column about the General Assembly have provoked something of a firestorm - OK, a little campfire - from the gentle folks of Reston.

Along with scores of indignant invitations to visit that Northern Virginia community, there have been terse tweets, objections from hypersensitive politicians, and even a blog in a newspaper that compared the crime rates of Norfolk and Reston in a bizarre attempt to link a lack of crime with a city's "soulfulness."

Try selling that slice of crazy in New Orleans.

No matter how often I remind people that I've visited Reston plenty of times, the irate calls and emails keep coming.

"Kerry Dougherty, you're a moron," screamed one anonymous Restonian last week, sounding a lot like that editor in my nightmare.

Am I sorry I wrote "Be honest, is there a more soulless spot in the commonwealth than that bland ant colony near Dulles?"

Yes, I am. I wish I'd added "humorless."

Kerry Dougherty, 757-446-2306, kerry.dougherty@cox.net, PilotOnline.com/dougherty