The good eggs vs. the bad eggs

Riiing. Riiing. Riiing.

"Hello?"

"Good morning, sir! I'm calling on behalf of the Fertilized Egg Political Action Committee, and -- "

"Beg pardon?"

"The Fertilized Egg Political Action Committee. Perhaps you've heard of the 'personhood' bill recently passed by the Virginia House of Delegates?"

"Yes, of course."

"Well, as you know, this legislation makes it clear that the life of each human being begins at conception. The bill confers, at every stage of biological development, 'all the rights, privileges and immunities available to other persons, citizens and residents of this Commonwealth.' "

"And those rights would naturally include setting up -- "

"A political action committee to look out for their interests."

"How very bold and results-oriented of you."

"Why, thank you! In fact, we're a Super PAC. We're able to accept financial contributions of any size. As we like to say around here: 'Just because they're tiny doesn't mean their needs aren't large!' "

"Unlimited donations. That's a lot of fertilization."

"It is, sir. It surely is! The U.S. Supreme Court's Citizens United ruling made it clear the corporations are people and therefore allowed to raise as much as they want for political candidates. So it stands to reason that if fertilized eggs are people, too -- "

"Then they're equal to corporations. At least in the early going."

"Exactly!"

"Impeccable logic."

"If you don't mind, I need to ask you a few personal questions for our records. Are there any fertilized eggs currently residing in your home?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm quite certain."

"We could send someone out to your house to check. It wouldn't be at all intrusive."

"Thank you, but I'll pass."

"OK. It's your choice, so to speak. Would you like to sponsor a fertilized egg today for, say, $10,000?"

"No."

"But, sir, your donation would help us protect its personhood against any and all threats, including lawsuits."

"Lawsuits? Why would anyone sue a fertilized egg?"

"Unfortunately, we're hearing rumors that a wiseacre liberal lawyer is filing a class-action lawsuit on behalf of an undetermined number of fertilized eggs."

"Against the Virginia House of Delegates?"

"Yes. It's shameful, sir."

"And the suit alleges?"

"Malfeasance. Misfeasance. Nonfeasance."

"Sounds like the General Assembly at every stage of biological development."

"The plaintiffs contend that the proposed law would interfere with in vitro fertilization, with a doctor's ability to manage ectopic pregnancies that endanger the life of mothers and even with birth control methods like intrauterine devices."

"Does your PAC have a position on IUDs?"

"Not precisely. But, frankly, there are some of us who'd love to do to birth control what the National Rifle Association has done to gun control."

"Oh, my. But in the meantime, your PAC wants to raise money to defend the House of Delegates?"

"Yes, and help ensure their re-election. The good eggs are standing up to the bad eggs, so to speak."

"Do they have a PAC? These bad eggs?"

"The Get Out the Zygote Vote PAC. We suspect ACORN is behind it"

"But can a fertilized egg vote?"

"At this point, no, but our PAC is setting up a fund to ensure that if the voting age is ever lowered to conception, a voter ID will be required."

"An ultrasound photo?"

"Exactly! So, can I put you down for a $5,000 donation?"

"Thanks, but that's a little too intrusive."

Daryl Lease is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. Email: daryl.lease@pilotonline.com