Love triangle in 'This Means War' is too obtuse

Slick, fast and mindless, “This Means War” is the latest hapless cinematic effort to mix action and comedy.

The film, which opens today, even attempts to add romance to the mix.

Two male CIA agents (played by up-and-coming stars Chris Pine and Tom Hardy) go after one blond girl (Reese Witherspoon).

There is no question that she will be seduced. The only question is: which guy will it be?

The movie is mostly about the two suitors. They are buddies, friends and partners, and though we don’t really believe that Witherspoon could tear them apart, she gives it a game try.

When they learn they are both dating the same woman, the agreement is to, sorta, stay away from the bed until a victor is chosen.

Because it’s a movie, and the rating is R, you know the rule isn’t going to be followed.

Pine, who has blue eyes that bring to mind Paul Newman, plays the sensitive one.

Hardy is rougher and tattooed.

The surprising thing is that Witherspoon, an Oscar winner for her lightweight role of June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line,” has such a subservient role in this film. She is little more than a trophy over which the guys fight.

You would think that women, presumably a major target for ticket sales, might be insulted by the cavalier way she is written off as a pawn in a world in which the CIA agents use all kinds of gadgets to spy on her, learn her habits and methodically seduce her.

Witherspoon, whom we’ll always remember as Elle Woods in the “Legally Blonde” films, has had a run of flops (“Water for Elephants,” “How Do You Know”). Still vivacious, she smiles constantly and is in danger of falling under the dreaded “curse of Meg Ryan” – pert and cute can last only so long.

The gorgeous cast provides eye candy for an otherwise noisy and pointless outing. Wasted in supporting roles are such superb actresses as Rosemary Harris and Angela Bassett.

Chelsea Handler, who should stick to hosting TV talk shows, is particularly grating as the would-be wisecracking friend who talks and acts like a nymphomaniac.

From all appearances, the director is no more than a hack known only as McG. He coasted through a lively “Charlie’s Angels” in 2000 but failed to deliver with the sequel or since.

A love triangle always presents possibilities, but, with “This Means War,” it doesn’t take Einstein to figure that this kind of math won’t add up.

Mal Vincent, 757-446-2347, mal.vincent@pilotonline.com