A Place of Relinquishment

This is a topic much covered by certain theologians, but I do not intend to address it as such. I am not a theologian and I have a very relaxed spirituality, so I won't approach it even from a religious viewpoint. I will approach it from a heart and soul viewpoint.

There are times in life when we must put all our energy into solving a problem, making something happen, correcting a problem, creating something wonderful. I'm a huge believer in all of these.  But sometimes things happen which defy this kind of problem-solving and creativity. 

Sometimes we have to let go of what we want.  This is never easy, and it doesn't mean that it might not come to us.  But sometimes we have to hand the reigns of our lives over to the mysteries of the Universe and say, "I don't know what to do...." or "I want (this or that) so much, but I can't make it happen, and I don't even know if it's what is meant to happen, so I turn it over to powers greater than myself to discern. I allow myself to be shown the way."

This place of relinqishment is not giving up in the traditional sense, it is not saying "All is lost".  It is not a place of weakness or passivity.  It is saying "I don't know everything, I don't have all the power, I don't have all the control.  I don't have all the vision."  Whether we believe in God or a Universal Consciousness or anything close to this, we have to admit that we are pretty small compared to it, and our insight is much more limited.  We ask for greater wisdom, guidance and discernment.  We allow for whatever is best to come about.  We don't always know what this will be, but we can grow weary on the path of demanding our own way, even when we believe it is a good and important way.  Stepping aside, sitting down and asking for direction, realignment, and new understanding is a place that ultimately brings us peace and the best path of all.

 

 

The Growing Uprising Against SORNA

In my most truthful moments I will tell you about a conversation I had with a good friend about four years ago, regarding Megan's Law and the Sex Offender Registry (SORNA).  "I don't think it's right, making them live according to the strict laws of the Registry," my friend said, to my horror. "It's double jeopardy."  I was aghast.  But of course we need the registry I thought!  We must protect children!  "If we don't think they're safe to let out of jail, then we shouldn't let them out.  If we let them out, we have to make it possible for them to actually live their lives as normally as possible, which they can't do."  Well, I squawked and argued.  I was in the You Can't Hang 'Em High Enough club for sure and I wasn't planning on leaving it any time soon.

 

Until now.  It's amazing what life drops in your lap sometimes that changes the tide of your thinking, and not even in a way you want it to change.  Let's just say I met someone who is living under the Draconian laws of the registry and I have come to see that while the registry is certainly well-intentioned, SORNA is a mess and does enormous damage. Believe me, I don't want to be on this side of the debate.  No one loves someone fighting for the rights of sex offenders.  It is easy to champion the protection of children (and who doesn't?), it is noble and you receive nothing but smiles.  Championing the rights of sex offenders is a good way to get yourself spat on.  But someone has to do it, and I can no longer keep silent about this.

 

I don't want to make this blog entry an exhaustive review of data on this subject, but I do want to raise some very important points.  Nearly every state has a group that is working to reform sex offender laws (RSOL). Many in the criminal justice and police systems see that SORNA is very destructive and seek changes. There are hundreds of thousands of people on the registry, some for very minor crimes, and lives are being horribly affected - not just the lives of the offenders but their families and friends.  The worst of these cases are the Romeo and Juliet crimes, teen consensual sex. (In Virginia there is no code for statutory rape, so consensual sex between a 14 yr old and an 18 yr old is rape and will keep someone on the registry for life.) Teens go to prison for years for this kind of thing.  Others are on the registry for public urination, streaking, and other minimal "crimes". 

 

The registry laws are voluminous and ever changing. It is easy to run afoul of them without even trying.  And the new bills introduced each year make SORNA more and more harsh. The crimes listed on the registry can be misleading, for instance VIOLENT is often a classification for crimes that involved no weaponry or harsh attack (it is due to the age difference between the offender and victim).  While some of these non-violent "violent" crimes are still egregious, to read some of these "violent" profiles is to assume the very worst of someone when the facts of their case, if anyone bothers to look them up (as I have by actually reading a court file), paint a very different picture.

 

Ultimately we end up with scores of people finding no place to live that isn't near a school or park.  They are forced into the worst areas of town, or out in the country where they can't find work. They live under bridges.  People who are brave enough to hire them will abruptly fire them when the customers learn (through the registry), that there are sex offenders working there (which lists where people work.) 

The worst predatory offenders are a very small proportion of the people on the registry.  The very worst stay in jail for decades (if they have committed rape and murder of children), perhaps never getting paroled.  The recidivism rate for juvenile sex offenders is next to the lowest rate for any crime (when the juveniles have had therapeutic treatment.) *

 

It is not even clear the registry does what it is intended to do.  It absorbs vast amounts of money and police manpower to keep track of people who are not predatory, who have not committed ghastly crimes. Most will never reoffend anyway.  Most new cases of sex offenses are by people not on the registry at all.  We need a good law to protect children and unfortunately this one isn't it: it uses up vital resources to fight the wrong problem, doesn't protect children as it should, and ruins many lives.

 

Sex offenders en masse are a great target for all our hatred of anything despised.  If you read posted comments by the public regarding sex offenders, they are often vitrolic and full of the medieval punishments they would like to visit upon them. But odds are one day you are going to know and care about someone on this registry.... a cousin, a neighbor, a friend, a coworker (whether you are aware they are on it or not). And some of you, by weird quirks of life, may find yourself on it for the most innocent of situations.  And then, just like I did, you will begin to see it through different eyes. 

 

*The lowest recidivism rate is for murder.

 

 

 

 

 

Extraordinary coincidences:)

Every now and then something happens that's so unlikely  you might consider it really impossible - statistically speaking.  But people DO win the lottery so the "almost impossible" does indeed happen.  I recently found myself in one of these remarkably unlikely situations....

I was having dinner with a friend who told me about an event at ODU called DEAFology 101.  She was to be part of this event and said I could attend if I wanted, it was free and open to the public.  Then she said, "The presenter is a deaf man named Ken Glickman."  The name went "bing" in my brain and I stared at her, astonished. 

"Ken Glickman?" I said.  "I think I know him!  I met him once."

"Where?" she asked, perhaps thinking it was fairly recently.

I laughed in disbelief.  "I met him in Vienna Austria in 1977."

In 1977 my mother and my twin sister and I were traveling through Austria by train, and by chance, we sat next to a young man and woman, both about my age (college age).  He was deaf and she was the girlfriend of a fellow student (not on the train).  We spent the better part of a day with these two kids, Ken Glickman and his friend Hebee. I remember him quite well because he was deaf and my sister happened to be learning sign language so she practiced with him.  Also, he did magic tricks with coins, which captivated us. We kept in touch briefly after we returned home and then I pretty much never thought about him again.

 

Suddenly, 35 years later, Ken Glickman was coming to ODU to do a performance of deaf comedy.  I went home and emailed him and said I'd like to see him again after the performance. I met my friend there and took a seat, and presently Ken was introduced to a full house of both deaf and hearing people, and began a hilarious show with himself as the slightly nutty deaf professor trying to explain the different between hearing and deaf people to us, the audience, his "class".  About halfway through he suddenly said (in sign with a voice interpreter), "I need someone from the audience to come up here, someone 'profoundly hearing'."  And then he pointed at me.

 

I had not yet met him but I was pretty sure at that moment my friend had clued him in to where I was seated.  So I went up on stage and became part of his show, all the while thinking how astonishing this whole experience was. I looked at him on the stage and thought: If someone had told me 35 years ago, "you will meet again after three and a half decades and be on stage together in a comedy performance in Norfolk", I would never have believed it. After the show was over, I got a chance to finally chat with him through the interpreter and bought one of his books. 

All I can think is, how amazing. How amazing. How amazing:)

 

A Place Unseen, Except When Walking

For all the wonders of traveling by automobile, there are special, magical things we can only see if we walk. 

 

On Princess Anne Rd, near Colonial Ave in Ghent, there is a small cutaway in the fenceline.  A bench sits there, and up on the wall next to the bench is an engraved plaque with a picture of a dog named Andy.  Beneath it is the following writing....

ANDY WAS A BEAUTIFUL BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG, WHO FOLLOWED IN BARNEY'S PAWPRINTS. WARM, COMICAL, LOYAL AND LOVING, ANDY, LIKE BARNEY, HAD ALL FRIENDS AND NO ENEMIES. HE LEFT US TOO SOON, AND THIS PLACE IS NOW PARTLY HIS PLACE ALSO.

 

I would never have seen this place, or met the memory of both Andy and Barney, had I not once walked down that street.

DESIDERATA: Be Yourself.

(A continued discussion of Desiderata) 

It seems a simple thing to say "Be Yourself", yet our "self" changes throughout the years and even from one day to the next.  We are not the same "self" in our twenties as we are when we are 9, and so on.  The "self" that is happy and playful one day is cross and irritable the next, which "self" is the real one?  And what of our different roles in life? Our Work Self, Our Mother or Father Self, Our Friend Self? 

These are all pieces of our one "whole self" in all its fluidity and change.  But I don't think this simple two-word phrase really refers to those aspects of self, rather I think it refers to our sense of authenticity in any given moment.  To "Be Yourself" means to be free of ego and arrogance, to understand what is behind our difficult behaviors and work toward easing them, to respond authentically without manipulation or paranoia.  It means to peel away some of the personae that we must construct in life and let whoever is underneath shine through....that often lovely, innocent, funny, unself-conscious person, unadorned.  There is within us all a self that we glimpse from time to time.  It is the self that is free from worry and trauma, from self-doubt and suspicion, from distraction, from the need to perform, from our pain and neuroses, or the need to meet everyone else's expectations. It is who we are when we are our most untroubled.  And in this troubled and troubling world, it is a worthwhile endeavour to make the effort to rediscover that self on a regular basis, or we may forget that it is there, and who it is.  Seek and find that self, and bring it out into the light as much as possible.

 

 

 

 

DESIDERATA: Exercise Caution in Your Business Affairs....

Desiderata: a continued exploration.....

"Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism."

I think the operative phrase here is "let this not blind you."  Because the news in all its forms generally reports on the negative and not the positive, it's easy to think "trickery" is the prevailing experience in the work world, and miss the really wonderful experiences in our business lives.

This phrase refers to balance....a weather eye out for dishonesty, but a focus on seeing honor and virtue in those we work and trade with.

A brief example of an "honor trade" you might say:  I stopped by a parking lot where a man sells fruit out of his truck (beside Gray's Pharmacy in Norfolk, Mon, Wed and Fri.)  I picked what I wanted and asked the price and he said, "Four dollars."  So I gave him a ten and told him to give me five in return, a one dollar tip because I was feeling generous.  The next thing I knew he doled out eight to me, not only not taking the tip but only charging me half as much: two dollars total.  When I protested he said, "Please. Keep it."

 

 

 

DESIDERATA con't: Enjoy Your Achievements as Well as Your Plans....

(Further exploration of DESIDERATA).....

 

"Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.  Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time."

This portion of the writing speaks to keeping alive to life, to our skills and abilities, to our sense of self-esteem in whatever area we work in.  Although all our identity shouldn't be tied up in what we do, the truth is much of if is, and so we should strive to really grasp and thrive in work that has meaning and satisfaction as much as possible.  As someone once said, "Work is life, and good work is good life."

 

DESIDERATA: If you compare yourself to others

(A continued exploration of Desiderata....)

IF YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS YOU MAY BECOME VAIN AND BITTER, FOR ALWAYS THERE WILL BE GREATER AND LESSER PERSONS THAN YOURSELF.

I have always been rather heartened by this statement.  There is something very philosophical and accepting about this remark.  I don't always have to be the best.  Others can be better.  I'm not always the worst either, there will be others who don't fare as well as I do. 

This remark is a "true throughout the ages" remark.  People come and go from this planet, they live fascinating or boring lives, they are amazing or dull, they do some things spectacularly and can't do others at all.  So be it.  It's okay if I'm not the best and it's a pretty good bet I won't be the worst. And neither will you:)  And this is the natural way of things, and it is just fine that it is so.

DESIDERATA: Avoid Loud and Aggressive Persons.....

A continuing exploration of Desiderata....

"Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit."

We all know how we feel around loud, angry people and how we feel around those who are calm and quiet.  We may not always be able to avoid the former (and sometimes we can't even help BECOMING the former!), but we can certainly feather our nests with as many of the latter as possible.

I think this applies not just to people in our actual lives, but also what we expose ourselves to on radio and television.  I have found in my own life that listening to programs that promote angry diatribes and ugly, childish (and pointless) confrontations merely for the sake of entertainment, destroy the soul.  They may distract us momentarily from our own unhappy inner or outer worlds, they may be expressions of our own unexpresed anger and misery, but they wreak havoc on our psyche.  And watching grown up human beings at their most childish worst surely can't do  much for our opinion of ourselves, or encourage us to our better selves.

Our world is noisy and aggressive enough without us either adding to it, or immersing ourselves in any more of it than we absolutely have to. 

It occurred to me once that, before gunpowder and the combustion engine (and all their noisy progeny), earth was probably a pretty quiet place.  The loudest noise would have been infrequent thunder.  There is a great deal more "thunder" now is our everyday world, so much that "shreds our ears", we must seek peace as much as possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 Hallmarks of Intuition

Intuition is one of my favorite topics, and having been embroiled in a compelling drama lately, I got to experience firsthand how intuition works.  During this time I came across a website by Ari Koinuma called Our Best Version and he lists what he considers to be the 9 Indicators that you are "hearing" your intuition (as compared to your "mind" or your "heart").  Because intuition can be a very fuzzy experience, seeing the components of it for the first time was amazing, and I must say, dead on.  Before I list the 9 hallmarks I will state one or two things I believe about intution and how to tell it apart from our thoughts and feelings.

I have often found that intuition speaks with an emotionless, simple and direct message, usually without many details. There is a solid, unshakeable quality to intuitive information, it is not blown about by every wind, it points True North no matter what. That's the beauty of it. In fact, its observation can often be boiled down to one critical sentence. 

 

The mind usually feels frayed and frantic with a jumble of fearful and worried thoughts, the heart and emotions feel confused and equally scattered, but the "gut" or the "intuitive mind" is quiet and steady, like the deep water current flowing under a choppy sea.  This is what you want to listen to.  While your head and heart are racing with "What does this mean? What should I do?  Maybe this is happening, maybe that is happening, how do I know what's really going on?"  etc etc.... your intuition (that still small voice) says, "THERE IS MORE HERE THAN MEETS THE EYE," or "DO NOT TAKE THAT TRIP".  As Gavin de Becker says in his book The Gift of Fear, intuition always responds to something in your environment, and because it is a survival mechanism, it is always looking out for your best interest.

Here are Koinuma's 9 hallmarks and how to assess your intuitive feelings for accuracy:

 

1.  You still feel that way even after everyone else disagrees with you.

2.  You still feel that way even after you sleep on it.

3.  You still feel that way even when you are happy.

4.  When you imagine taking action, you feel relieved.

5.  You still feel that way even when your decision doesn't make sense.

6.  You still feel that way even if your decision will inconvenience you.

7.  You still feel that way even when that feeling scares you.

8.  You still feel that way and want to take action even when there is no immediate gratification for you.

9. You still feel that way when your feelings are hard to justify.

 

It is odd how intuition can seem "counter intuitive", as you might note in the list above.  But remember, intuition is picking up a subtle beat that the rational mind and the emotional heart can't hear very well.  Rationality and emotion will tell you to discard something no one else agrees with, that you can't justify very well, that scares or inconveniences you.  The heart will discard what it fears or doesn't want to feel.  Intuition knows what's true when superficial evidence doesn't seem to support it.  Remember, it is going against the grain on purpose, it is raising the red flag (or green flag) because it has noticed something.  It has seen the either the pot of gold under the bushes, or the sniper on the roof, that everyone else has missed.