So yesterday I offered someone a Fresca and she said, “Oh NO. I’ve hated Fresca since I was little.”  So I replied, “Fresca’s been around that long?”  And she gave me the “look”.  “What are you trying to say?” she asked, and we laughed.  I said I thought it had just come out about 10 years ago and she indicated it had been around forever.  She was right!  The year was 1963.  Before my birth.  Who knew?

 So then I asked if she had ever tried those weird Jones’ sodas.  I bought the green apple soda once and gave them all to my niece and nephew.  Yuck-o.  Then I found out about their other soda flavors:  the Christmas Pack flavors:  Christmas Ham, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Sugar Plum; The Hannukah Pack flavors (kosher, of course):  Latke, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins, and Jelly Doughnuts; the Thanksgiving Pack flavors:  Turkey & Gravy,  Sweet Potatoes, Dinner Roll, Pea, and Antacid; the Athlete’s Pack flavors:  Perspiration, Dirt, Sports Cream and Natural Field Turf.  The company “prides itself on the accuracy of the tastes,” reports CNN.  Ewww…

 Then I remembered my niece and nephew telling me about Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Jellybeans.  Just for fun, I thought I’d list all their delicious flavors (sans the truly yummy ones):

 Bacon, Booger, Black Pepper, Buttered  Popcorn, Dirt, Dill Pickle, Earwax, Earthworm, Horseradish, Grass, Rotten Egg, Sardine, Sausage, Soap, Spaghetti, Spinach, and Vomit.

So my question is:  how many boogers did the tasters have to eat to determine if the taste is “authentic”?  Well, I know what my next made-up-holiday-tradition-of-eating-one weird-thing-every-year will be in 2008:  an entire box of Bertie Bott’s jellybeans.  Nice to know you don’t have to travel very far to find a disgusting food product.  

O.k. so I must be a bad luck magnet this month.  Today, I locked myself out of my car.  Before you start thinking I’m just a huge ditz who can lock herself out of a room with no doors or windows, let me tell you that I’ve never locked myself out of this car; and I’ve had it now for seven years.  I’ve never locked myself out of this house; and I’ve lived here for four.  Okay, so I’ve locked myself out of my former cars and my old townhouse a couple of times- but only a couple of times!  I never relied that much on AAA.  And you know what?  When I switched to Geico, I inadvertently signed up for their roadside service even though I had AAA.  When I found out- I decided to keep it because it’s only something like $8 every 6 months; and now I am sooooo glad I did!  I’ve used AAA three times this year already, so today, I called Geico and Pop-A-Lock was there in 15 minutes.  A minor inconvenience.

A minor inconvenience, and that’s exactly how I treated it.  I didn’t get angry or irritated or feel sorry for myself; I acted as if I were forced to, like, wait in line at the DMV.   I recall having locked myself out of my car in college- it was such a huge, traumatic ordeal for me (the former drama queen).  I think that’s growth!

A friend gave me a book a few years ago called, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff- and it’s all Small Stuff”.   A simple statement, but so true.  It’s all small stuff.  Your husband leaves the seat up: small stuff.  Your child comes home smoking a cigarette, sporting  multiple piercings and tattoos:  small stuff.  You lose your job: small stuff.  Your house blows down and has to be rebuilt- small stuff.  Your house blows down and has to be rebuilt but you have no homeowner’s insurance:  I’d classify that as “getting-bigger stuff”, but still small stuff.  In this case, you just have to trust God and go on to plan B.  The only thing I can think of that is not “small stuff” is dealing with an illness or an accident inflicted upon you or your loved ones.  That would be a likely cause of major stress; and duly so!  You can replace your job or your belongings, but not your limbs or organs or your loved ones.  So anyway, I do hope you think about this blog the next time your new puppy tinkles on the floor or your boss yells at you.  It’s all small stuff.     (And I must remember this myself, too,  when I get hit with some bigger crap.)

Here's hoping you have a no-stuff day! :)

Deb asked yesterday how women would feel about dating their doctors. 

I say- why not?  I mean, my plastic surgeon has already seen me naked, so hey, that's already “out there”. (Oh, and it was so awful, too.  I stood there mumbling, "Gosh, this isn't uncomfortable at all!" Then I started whistling.  I think it may have been that Life of Brian song.)  Now the fact that a plastic surgeon sees naked women on a daily basis- I think that might bother me.  Deb mentioned that she could never date an OBGYN.  I don't even like going to a male OBGYN; I certainly couldn't date my OBGYN.  Or any OBGYN for that matter.  Ick.  What kind of guy chooses to become one of those, anyway?  It reminds me of that creepy old movie- remember?  The twins who were evil OBGYNs with those twisted instruments?

 What about a really hot general practioner?  I'd have to switch to an old, frumpy one.  I'm just too shy that way.  I saw a not-that-cute-but-young  doctor a few years ago and had to explain that I was taking herbal pills to um, “assist my colon with its daily functioning”.  Soooooo embarrassing.

Now a dentist—that's a totally different story.  I had a really hot dentist a few years ago.  Do you recall this commercial?  "Beach Ford; Barton Ford, Lincoln-Mercury…..WORLD CLASS!"  O.k. there's the older dad Barton, an older son, and a younger son.  That’s one good looking family… but the youngest one?  Smokin’.  And he has an identical twin brother who's a dentist practicing in VA Beach.  Wow.  I wondered what kind of dentist-lottery I won to get him.  In any case, I got to see him quite often while getting a couple of crowns put in and I have to say, I didn’t mind going to the dentist at all.  In fact, I looked forward to it!  Then I got the phone call from my friend Jenn…"Haddock, terrible news.  I just saw the paper and your dentist's getting married."  Oh poo.     

So here’s the bottom line:  for me, I’d say it’s a yes to dentists, podiatrists, dermatologists, and physical therapists; a no to OBGYNs, proctologists, and general practitioners.  Ladies?

I’m not much of a movie-goer.  I don’t like the cramped seats. I’d rather wait for whatever it is to come out on DVD and watch it in the comfort of my living room with my feet up and a warm blankie.  The only time I’ll go see a movie is if there’s something so incredibly good that I can’t wait.  That’s so rare, and sometimes, the critics get it wrong.  I recall wanting to see A Brilliant Mind when it came out, so I went with my friend Patrick, and I totally fell asleep.  I still can’t tell you how it ended!

On the other hand, sometimes I get roped into seeing something I’d never choose to watch and wind up saying, “WOW.  That was AWESOME!”  So it was this weekend when I got talked into seeing Iron Man.  I was like, “Iron Man?  Like the comic book?  Edward Norton Downey Jr. what?”  But within ten minutes, I knew it was gonna be good. So if you haven’t gone, go!

So what else happened on Saturday?  Well, I went to see my plastic surgeon in the morning to see what he could do about the horrible scar on my forehead.  He told me he couldn’t do anything for three months and to come back.  He didn’t charge me a co-pay to tell me that, unlike the first guy I saw who charged me $35 to tell me to put sunscreen and vitamin E on it, until I returned in 6 weeks.  He probably would have charged me again to tell me he couldn’t do anything for another two months.  I should have gone to Dr. Rosenblum the first time, right after the accident; after all, he did wonders for my fat a year ago.  Plus, he’s kinda cute and really funny.    So tell me this isn’t a total weird coincidence:  the same day I had the appointment with him and looked at his hand to see if there was a ring (there wasn’t), we were sitting at McCarthur Center Mall at the burger place waiting for the movie when I saw Doc in the doorway asking for a table for 5.  I couldn’t see his entire party, but I did see at least two younger-aged children.  So much for Mr. Cute and Funny.  Or maybe not:  Sandra, Mrs. “Bright-Side” said, “Maybe he was taking his sister and her children out for Mother’s Day the day before the holiday.”  Yeah.  I’m sure.

BTW, Happy Belated Mother’s Day, all you moms of two-legged, four-legged, and no-legged children covered in skin, fur, feathers, and/or scales!

So R.B. aka Snowfire asked me when my housewarming party would take place.  Well, I thought about it, and decided I didn’t want to have one BIG party, because I would be so busy making sure everyone had everything they needed, that I wouldn’t be able to socialize or have any fun.  Like yesterday at our office “Open House” when I was put in charge of the popcorn machine and spent the entire time popping, seasoning, and bagging popcorn.  No fun at all.  So two weekends ago, I had the family over; next weekend, I’ll have a few couples over; the following weekend, I’ll have people from work over; and the weekend after that, two girlfriends I haven’t seen in two years.  And it’ll go on from there.  I prefer small groups anyway. 

She also asked about Jim, my brother’s friend from high school I was talking to.  Well, unfortunately, I’ve been so busy with the house that we haven’t really kept touch.   You know, after the initial excitement and the, “Hey maybe he’s the One!”-- reality set in, and I knew in my heart I would never move to Panama, especially while my parents are still alive and may need me.  And what about Panama’s neighboring countries feuding the way they are now?  We’ll definitely keep in touch, and who knows- maybe someday we will get together.  Right now, though, it’s just not the right season for us. 

Another sign that this is not the right time for us- he’s an atheist.  I mean, I’m not  insisting that “the One” has to be Catholic anymore.  Any mainstream Protestant denomination will do.  Anything except a “literal-interpretation-of-the-Bible-I-believe-the-world-was-created-

10,000-years-ago-homosexuals-and-Catholics-are-all-going-to-hell” Fundamentalist.  In fact, I really dig Jewish guys, and would even consider an agnostic.  But to believe that there’s nothing after death- no Supreme Being- it just doesn’t mesh with my world-view, priorities, and general state-of-being, you know? 

I think I mentioned Patrick in one of my blogs.  Patrick and I were really close friends in the mid-90’s- and we dated briefly.  He’s also an atheist.  So needless to say, even though I love him as a dear, dear friend, things didn’t work out for us; although I wished they would.  In fact, of everyone I have dated or ever known, Patrick is probably the only person I can say that about.  He’s a totally awesome guy.

So he’s had relationships since then and so have I, but we’ve always kept in touch.  He got married a few years ago and moved to DC, and we didn’t communicate for years- but I caught up with him recently.  He said things weren’t going well in their marriage, and they were getting a divorce.   I’m ashamed to admit I was actually kind of happy to hear that they were splitting up--  awful, right?  O.k. so if you think that’s horrible, this is what I wrote recently on HisSpace:  “So you’re still an atheist… I’m praying that you suffer a horrible accident, have a near-death experience, and make a full, miraculous recovery.”  Um- yeah.  Do I need therapy, or what?

Anyhoo, we hung out last week, and he’s thinking about moving back to VA Beach.  I look forward to his friendship, but I realize that it’s not our season, nor may it ever be- but we’ll always be friends.  Sometimes, I think it’s better that way.  I reflect on another male friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend.  They don’t hang out anymore, but he and I will, because we never went that route.  Then there’s another male friend (we’ll call him Ren), and his friend (Stimpy).  I had a thing with Stimpy and things didn’t work out.  I can still hang out with Ren, but have no desire to hang out with Stimpy, you know?  So when Ren says, “Hey, we’re all going out to wherever- wanna come?”  I have to ask, “Is Stimpy going to be there?”  And if the answer’s “yes”, then I have to decline.  Weird.

Relationships complicate things.  I think it’s better to remain stationary and maintain my status as a fish until- well, I guess I’ll recognize that bridge when I come across it.

Have a stationary and fish-like day!

O.k. so I got my car back today after forking over $585 to AAA.  That’s Georgie Porgie’s entire economic stimulus gift!  I had bigger and better plans for that $600.  Like buying something to stimulate the economy.   Sheesh.  It’s always something, isn’t it??

Some folks have told me I should buy a new car.  Eh- I don't know.  I like not having a car payment; although it seems as if I’m repairing something every couple of months, which probably equals a car payment.  Plus, there are very few cars out there that really float my boat.  I fell in love with the new Jetta (silver) when they first came out--and that's why I own one.  I don’t really want to be spending money on a car that I’m not head over heels about, you know?

So what would I get if I HAD to buy a car tomorrow?  An Audi A4 convertible, of course.  But it’d have to be used (or “pre-owned”, rather) because I could never afford a new one.  I saw a “pre-owned” one at Greenbrier VW last fall for $25K and last night noticed it was still posted online, but with a lower price tag.  So I emailed Farley, the head honcho over there, and asked him to “make me an offer I can’t refuse.”  He wrote back, “Haddock, I’m sorry, but  I sold it yesterday.  But stop by- I’m sure I have something else you’d like.”  No  you won’t!!!  I wanted THAT car at THAT price in THAT color with THOSE low miles (only 22K) !!!!  So that particular car just wasn’t for me.  I took that as a huge sign- I should keep my old car around for a bit longer.  But, if anyone out there has an Audi A4 (preferably silver or blue) 2004 or newer that they’d like to sell me, I might change my mind!

Think your day sucked?  I think I can make you feel better.  Today has to rank as one of my worst-luck days ever.

It started out o.k.  Work was fine.  It was after work that it began to rain crap on me.  Shortly after leaving work, my car decided to break down.  “I’ll just call AAA and get a tow,” I thought.  No worries, although I was kind of P.O.ed because Friday evening, I met some friends downtown and my car cut off at a stoplight on the way home.  I called AAA to have them tow it to a service center, but when the odd, troll-like tow truck guy got there, he was able to get it started.  He said, “I think you’re just low on gas.”  When I tried to explain that it had cut off like that before, the troll wouldn’t listen to me and told me to follow him to the gas station.  In short, today never had to happen. 

So my car broke down.  What could be worse?  How about the fact that while I was looking for my AAA card, I found one of those AAA things that you stick on your key ring (I already had one on my car keys) and I thought, “Hey, I should put one on my house keys.”  Then I realized I didn’t HAVE my house keys.  Yeah. 

So I sat in my car for two hours waiting for the tow truck.   I called AAA to ask if I’m covered for lock-out service and was told no, only premium members are covered.  So I asked if I could upgrade my membership and the representative said yes, but it would take 7 days for the new membership to take effect.  But then she said, “Oh, but I see that you’ve been a member since 1997- let me talk to my manager and see what I can do.”  So after being on hold for 10 minutes, she returned with good news.  Wow.  Brightness  in the midst of turmoil.  So after getting off the phone with the awesome AAA rep that hooked me up, I tried to think of more bright sides.    In the two hours waiting for the tow truck, I was able to think of only two other things- the fact that I had time to tidy my car up a bit, and oh, the fact that three gentlemen helped me push my car off of the main road and into the Burger King parking lot.  Two of them helped to be nice.  The other one did it to get me out of his way so he could get home.  Whatever the case, because of those three men,  I wasn’t being honked at and given dirty looks anymore. Thanks, men.

So then I called my boss and left him a message to let him know what happened and to ask if he could swing by and pick me up on his way to work.  Because he didn’t answer, I also called my friend Sandra to let her know I might not make it to work.  She kept me on the phone and lifted my spirits a bit.  She also offered me more “bright sides”:  the fact that it wasn’t cold or raining and the fact that my car didn’t break down in the middle lane of the interstate.  Um- I just wasn’t buying into her bright sides. 

The tow truck guy, named “Fenale”, finally came to my rescue.  During the ride, I asked him to assess my situation and give me some bright sides of his own.  He said, “Well, it could have been raining, or you could have broken down on the interstate or in the tunnel.”  That’s exactly what Sandra said!  I took that as some kind of sign.  He added, “Oh, and you could have been stuck riding in a tow truck with a freaky, weirdo driver.”  “Do you know many weirdo-tow-truck-drivers?” I asked.  “OH Yeah,” he replied.   I thought about the creepy troll I met on Friday.  Eek.  He was right.   Fenale  was so sympathetic and kind- he even drove me home after dropping my car off.  Another bright side.  Truly, the world needs more people like him in it. 

So I was dropped off, and sitting on my porch waiting for the locksmith.  “What can I do to turn this situation into something good?” I wondered.  I decided to take that time to pull weeds out of my flower beds.  I laughed to myself thinking about children peering out their windows…”Mommy, why is that strange lady gardening in a dress and high heels?”

Finally, the locksmith arrived.  He tried to get my front door open, to no avail.  Apparently, the “new” locks are really tough to crack, so we went to the back.  He was able to get the back door unlocked, but there’s another storm door between the house and the utility room that was tougher and he had to call for back-up.  An hour 1/2 later, his manager arrived and tried the front door and  the rear storm door and couldn’t get them open either.  Another guy suggested climbing through my kitchen window- which is how I was finally able to gain access to my home.  Bright side?  I guess the satisfaction in knowing that my home is so secure, a locksmith with 30 years experience couldn’t break through.  Not-so-bright-side?  The fact that my dogs would jump all over an intruder, lick him, and love him to death.

Five hours later, I was finally in the house and safe.  Lesson learned?  I keep hearing that Monty Python song from “The Life of Brian” in my head…. “Life’s a piece of sh**, when you look at it- always look at the bright side of life- la la la la la la la la!”  

Have a safe, productive day, give thanks regardless, and try to look on the bright side of life! :)

A few days ago, I was busy at work, cutting and pasting, proof-reading and typing-- trying to get a 140 page report finished by the due date for the Athletics Department.  I actually have a bruise on my palm from having my paw on the mouse for so long.  Never seen anything like it before! 

I didn’t really mind, though.  I would do anything for the Athletics Director.  I love him.  He’s a really down-to-earth, mild-mannered gentleman with a lot of integrity and good moral values.  So I worked through lunch two days and worked at home way past my bedtime two nights in a row.  He did tell me he’d “take care of me” for working so diligently, and told me to send him a detailed report of the work I’d done so I could be compensated.  I suggested he just take a picture of my palm instead. 

It was really a nice gesture, as  I wasn’t expecting anything and I certainly wasn’t asking for anything in return.  I did ask him to bring me something to eat when he went out to lunch on one of those days, though.  He sent one of his coaches to get me something instead. 

Just as I was on the verge of starvation, the young baseball coach entered my office with a bag from Wendy’s.  “You totally rock!”  I beamed.  Before I had time to look into the bag, he said, “I didn’t know how healthy you are- so I got you some different things.”  “Thank you soooooooooo much!” I replied, and he left. 

O.k. I was totally grateful to have lunch delivered to me.  But I have to admit I was kinda disappointed to see a grilled chicken sandwich, a salad, and the Dasani bottled water.  I mean, of all the things on Wendy’s menu, those are the three things I would buy only if  Wendy’s was the only restaurant in town, I was homeless with $5 in my pocket, and they had run out of everything else.   I did rejoice over the small French fry in the bag. 

Of course, he’s an athlete, and I guess that’s what athletes eat.  Gosh, so if a girl went on a date with this guy, would he expect her to order the broiled flounder with grilled vegetables?  I chuckled to myself as I thought about what I would order… “I’ll have the fried calamari as an appetizer, a salad with bleu cheese, the fried seafood platter, a loaded baked potato, broccoli with  hollandaise, hushpuppies with extra butter, a Blue Moon Lager- oh, and please don’t forget the tartar sauce!”  That’s probably over 2,000 calories and 100 fat grams.  But hey, a free meal?  May as well enjoy it, don’t cha think?

Hey there.  I’m Baaaaack!  Gosh it’s been a long time!  Time flies when you’re not having fun cleaning up the home mess, decorating, and being swamped at work, you know?  There really hasn’t been much going on except that.  House work, real work, rain, and allergies.  Aaaachoo!

Good news is, I’m getting a settlement from the contractor’s insurance company.  I’m not sure how much yet, but I mean, after all I’ve been through, I feel like I deserve something.  Did I tell you I found stuff missing?  Among other things, missing are a portable space heater, an atomic clock, a Betty Boop pen (it was my favorite!), a dog dish, some Clinque products, and three pounds of bacon.  Yes, bacon!  I had bought a huge box for when the family comes over, and was going to give it to my mom when I realized it wasn’t in the freezer.  I mean, who steals bacon??   I’m certain it was the girlfriend of one of the sub-contractors.

So what else have I been doing?  Umm- well, let’s just say that if I didn’t buy anything last year, I’ve more than made up for it in the last month!  I don’t even want to tell you how much I’ve spent.  I was afraid to look at my credit card statements, and almost choked when I saw them.  So much for living a minimalist lifestyle!

So now that my home-life is back together, I guess I’ll start working on my social life. It seems like forever since I’ve had some REAL fun-  so I’ve planned some stuff for this month.  Let’s hope it doesn’t rain every weekend!  :)

Hope everyone’s doing well!

Just another sign that our world is going to pot:  “The Moment of Truth”.  Have you seen this game show? 

Since I’m limited in my television viewing options at the homestead, I chose (voyeuristically) to tune into this disturbing game show where people reveal their deepest secrets in the hopes of winning $500,000. 

O.k. so I’m in debt and  think I have no really deep-rooted horrible secrets- but I would NEVER go on this show!  Everyone has sinned and has had thoughts that aren’t Christian-like, and even done things that aren’t Christian-like—why, pray tell, would one risk ruining relationships with spouses and family members, and shaming themselves on national television for (any) sum of money? 

I remember going to confession as a kid with my childish sins:  “I was disrespectful to mom and dad”.  Or “I marked my friend’s answers right on their quiz when they were wrong,” and I’d worry that the priest saw my shoes under the curtain of the confessional and would be able to identify me later during the mass.  Guess what?  I still do!

I’m an open person. Ask me anything and I’m pretty straight up.  I’ve played my share of “I Never” drinking games in my life, but there are some things that should remain within  oneself, and not tossed out to the public or to those s/he cares about.

I don’t get it.  If anyone out there would go on this show, please let us know why!