There aren't enough babies to go around. April and Brian Christensen are desperate. Unable to conceive a child of their own, the Portsmouth couple has been trying to adopt, and the shortage has driven them to new tactics.
For months, the Christensens have run classified ads in the newspaper asking for a baby. They've tacked up fliers in hospitals. Passed out business-style cards. Placed an ad on Craigslist. Secured an extra cell phone number for their "baby hot line." Produced a 12-page resume - complete with vacation photos - that makes their lives an open book.
"I keep saying how awful this sounds, but you've got to do it like a business," April said. "If you want a baby, you've got to sell yourself."
Gone is the quiet that once surrounded adoption. In the age of "the Pill," abortion and a greater acceptance of unwed motherhood, discretion won't fill an empty crib. In 1971, a survey said, 90,000 U.S. newborns went home with adoptive parents. Last year's number: 22,000.
The smaller pool has led to longer waiting lists - anywhere from two to seven years. Birth mothers can now afford to be choosy, thumbing through stacks of scrapbooks and heartfelt letters prepared by competing couples.
Aside from legitimate fees, which can reach $30,000, laws are strict about the money and gifts allowed to change hands. After all, selling a child is illegal. But as a bargaining chip, a birth mother can strike a deal for an "open adoption" - a once-unheard of arrangement that can include a lifetime of contact with her child.
"Every infant being considered for adoption right now in the U.S. has a waiting family," said Chuck Johnson, vice president of the Alexandria-based National Council For Adoption.
More than a decade ago, the council estimated that as many as 2 million Americans were actively trying to adopt. In a more recent survey, roughly 10 million couples said they would go through the process if they had higher hopes of getting a child.
Johnson points out that the scarcity only applies to babies. Plenty of older kids still are available for adoption. Few can compete, however, with the appeal of a just-born bundle.
Demand is so strong that frustrated couples everywhere are trying to bypass the lines at adoption agencies by beating the bushes themselves. The hope is to negotiate a "parental placement," where both sides pick each other up front.
"I heard about a family the other day who left a business card for their waitress, who was pregnant," Johnson said. "It offended her because she was married."
More and more aspiring parents are willing to take that chance, especially in the face of a new international crackdown. Countries such as Russia, China and Romania - once reliable adoption pipelines - have grown increasingly uncomfortable with the unchecked flow of children from their homelands. Stories of babies being stolen from mothers in places such as Guatemala and turning up for adoption in the United States have sealed the borders of some countries almost entirely.
"When something is this emotional and this competitive," Johnson said, "it can bring out the worst caliber of people who will take advantage of others."
The Christensens have tried to be smart. They've heard of other couples being milked for expenses by women who falsely claim to be pregnant and by shady operators who promise the same child to more than one family. They've had to cut short several callers who wanted to talk money. And then there are the crank calls - a cruel annoyance.
"We knew we were opening ourselves up for that kind of thing," Brian said. "But this is not just a want. It's a need - for a family. I've always wanted a child... someone to call me Dad."
So far, the Christensens figure they've spent about $12,000 on agency and attorney fees, plus their own marketing efforts. The money hasn't come easy for the middle-class couple. April, 33, works in real estate. Brian, 44, works at Norfolk Naval Shipyard. Their Simonsdale neighborhood is lined with modest homes. Their own is small and neat. One of its two bedrooms is now a bright yellow nursery-in-waiting.
"They say you should be ready," April said as she lifted tiny clothes from a drawer. "See, we've got outfits for a girl and a boy. You never know..."
A complete hysterectomy at age 24 ended April's ability to have biological children. Brian, a longtime bachelor, had simply given up on the idea. They met on a blind date, married a year-and-a-half ago and began their quest for kids.
They signed up with an agency, filled out all the paperwork and paid all the fees. They trekked to the police station to submit fingerprints and passed their criminal background checks. They've had their psyches poked by social workers and their health eyeballed by doctors. Their home has been inspected for cleanliness and safety, including smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, fire extinguishers and a family escape plan. Their dogs - three rescue mutts - were scrutinized for friendliness.
"Boy, if they asked this stuff of everyone before they had a baby," April said, "all kids would be a lot better off."
Once they were officially approved to adopt, the Christensens launched what has become the standard two-prong strategy: work with their
agency plus hunt for a baby themselves.
Either can pay off at any time. Nancy Pitts is an adoption paralegal who works with Gary Allison, a Virginia Beach lawyer specializing in adoption.
"Seventy percent of our clients are connected with a birth mom through newspaper ads or word of mouth," Pitts said. "Or what I call the 'instant baby' - where the call just comes from the hospital."
"Instant babies" materialize when a woman shows up at the emergency room in labor with no intention of keeping her baby and no arrangements to do anything else. The hospital contacts social services, and the mother is presented with a list of adoption agencies.
Shore Adoption with Hope, based in Virginia Beach, is one of them. According to Jenny Gregoire, a Shore adoption supervisor, "instant babies" come from a variety of sources - teenagers whose parents don't know they're pregnant, college girls who aren't ready to raise a baby, older women involved in extramarital affairs.
"The last few have been drug situations," Gregoire said. "That's always really tough."
Babies of drug abusers often are born with heroin or cocaine in their systems and must go through detox. The long-term effects are unpredictable - and a gamble for adoptive parents.
"It's all such a leap of faith," Pitts said. "Even with our own children, we're not sure what they're going to grow up to be. But with adoption, you really have no idea."
The Christensens learned that the hard way. This spring, they were considering adopting an 11-year-old boy who was born addicted to crack cocaine.
"We realized the first night we had him in our home that it wasn't going to work," April said. "He was very troubled - violent to the point where I was afraid to be alone with him. We had to make a very difficult decision. It was heartbreaking."
Despite that experience, the Christensens say, they refuse to completely rule out any child. What they really yearn for, though, is a healthy newborn or toddler. Like the majority of couples trying to adopt today, the Christensens are white, but they don't care about skin color.
"We do get asked the race question," April said. "The phone rings, and it's 'Are you just looking for a white baby?' We tell them we're open. I don't think it really matters. I think a child just needs love."
An open adoption would be OK, too. Johnson, with the national council, thinks open adoptions are a good thing all around. Adoptions used to be full of secrets. Records were sealed, children weren't told, and birth mothers had no way of knowing what became of their child.
"Generations of women were told to go home and forget about it," Johnson said. "They were told that no one had to know and they should be happy their reputations were saved. It was extremely inadequate for them."
In an open adoption, nothing is hidden. With written agreements, birth mothers are promised holiday photos, e-mail updates, perhaps even a visit now and then. In most states, however - including Virginia - such agreements aren't legally binding. Adoptive parents can cut off contact whenever they wish.
When open adoption works, though, it works well. Children get their questions answered and wind up with more people in their lives to love them, instead of fewer.
Johnson thinks that if more women knew about open adoption, those who aren't equipped to be parents might be more willing to find those who are. A few years back, Congress set aside funding to start spreading the word.
So far, that hasn't helped the Christensens. For them, there have been only disappointments. Women who don't call back. Babies who go to someone else. That meeting in a restaurant where no one shows up but them.
"The end result of adoption is wonderful," April said, "but the in-between is not so pretty. You keep asking yourself, 'Didn't they like me? Did I say something wrong?' The second-guessing never ends."
The Christensens don't intend to give up. Their baby hot line is never far from April's reach. She holds her breath every time it rings. The little clothes in the nursery have been washed more than once.
"My husband keeps telling me, 'Don't do this to yourself,' but I can't help it. I'm busting at the seams. And when it doesn't work out, I cry for a few days. But then I'm all right."
At this point, April says, "I t's all a waiting game. It's hard, but we have to turn it over to God. When he has a child for us, we'll get our baby. We just have to hang in there long enough."
Joanne Kimberlin, (757) 446-2338, joanne.kimberlin@pilotonline.com
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Totally off base
God knows what he is doing if you can't physically have children?!?!?!?! All of these posts in judgement of people who do not want to take on the challenges of older children and the emotional baggage?!?!!?? Shame on you for acting so self righteous........Adoption is good and RESPECTABLE thing no matter the circumstances or situations. Keep your God if that is the game you and he play, my God understands no matter if I am a single adopting parent, no matter my race, age, religion, sexuality. April, keep on truckin it happened for my family twice, it WILL happen for you as well.
Older children need you too!!!!
There are 140+ children on the VA department of Social Services web page waiting for a home right now. Although they can not fit into the baby clothes this couple has, I'm sure they would be greatful for a home. Why not adopt an older child while waiting for their baby? It would be easier to work with that child (who usually has special needs) if their are no other children in the home. I feel for couples that can't have babies but there are children that need you just as much - if not more!
SAD Situation
It is very sad that with the high rate of teenage pregnancies these days that mature, financially secure, MARRIED couples cannot find newborns to adopt. It is too bad that these young girls who find themselves knocked up do not think beyond their own emotional issues and instead think about what will be best for their unborn child. My 18 year old daughter knew at least 3 girls in her high school that became pregnant and all have decided to keep thier babies rather than give them up to be adopted by a loving couple who will actually be able to support them and offer a 2 parent household. Instead, these girls will, in all likelyhood, end up on welfare and resenting the fact that they are "tied down" by a child, while their peers are leaving for college. Pretty sad for everyone, including the innocent baby.
The adoptive family in the article (Christensens)
I think the only thing they might try beyond what they have already tried is to take home a crack *baby* instead of an 11-year-old who has had crack addictions at birth, along with multiple attachment issues along the way.
But I didn't see any evidence in the article that they *wouldn't* try that. There is a law of bonding that works best when someone is a newborn, on *both* sides. I bless God for those who adopt older children, but not everyone is able to do that.
I have seen cross-racial adoptions work out just fine. I am not sure that any of them came with drug addictions--it wasn't my business to ask. Obviously, all adoptions have to be monitored carefully at first. Cheers, MGM
good luck
Good luck and I hope the Pilot does a follow up story on your sucessful adoption (hopefully soon). I have 2 close friends who have each adopted a set of twins and a singleton. Listening to their stories breaks my heart and I wish adoption in this country were easier. Both friends have experienced the disappointment, financial strain and joy that finally comes with adopting. I wish you nothing but the best!
Uh
We buy everything else from China.... Need to go past Craigslist.
So sad
Such a sad story--everyone wants a newborn and older kids are left to rot it state care. If I were in the market for a child, I'd consider any age up to about 8 or 9 but everyone just has to have a newborn--sad for the folks who want kids and sadder for the kids who need loving homes.
Cuddle Project
I hope the couple mentioned here and other couples seeking babies find this info helpful. The cuddle project is a non-profit looking to help women who abandon their babies.
http://www.projectcuddle.org/default.asp
Thank You
We just wanted to post a thank you to those of you who have posted such nice comments and to those who have given their support to us. This process has been long and at times, daunting-but we know that in the end, we will have a miracle! We had no idea how big this article would be both in the size of the layout and the impact. We both feel very blessed that we could, hopefully, open peoples minds to how adoption is today. Things have come a long way, as they always do, and it's nice to have a part of it! It was a very scary task to take on, having our lives out for everyone to see who reads the Virginia Pilot. We do believe, though, that it may help others to see that it can be a blessing and, hopefully, that perspective birth parents will know that there are many options available to them. Thank you again for the support.
Sincerely,
April and Brian
" may come off as really
" may come off as really harsh by typing these words, but these are my heart-felt sentiments. I used to say that if you couldn't have children, God must really know what He's doing. To a certain extent, I still believe it. The light gray captions on the top left of this article tell me that would-be parents are being too picky while thousands of American children go without love"
I diagree. I believe God wants these children who are born to out of wedlock parents to be raised by a mother and father like the Christiansons. He isn't keeping the Christiansons from being biological parents for anything they have done wrong. He is using them to solve the problems of unwed mothers!How dare you find fault with these people. These people are willing to keep a child from being raised by the govt. via welfare and public assistance in a stable home with a mom and dad.Just as God's word planned for families to be.
"A child of their own"
You lost me when you said this couple was not able to have "a child of their own" and so, in desperation, resorted to adoption. This insults parents and children (grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles) whose families were built through adoption. The Christensen's child will be very much their own.
I've read the comments below. For those of you who doubt God's intentions: It was through God, heartache, & hard work, that my husband & I became parents. We found our daughter's birthmother through an ad in the Pilot. As soon as we spoke, we knew we had a lifelong love & connection transcending the mechanics of adoption. Only God can be responsible for something so beautiful & right, for our daughter, her birth parents, and us.
Not every couple is
meant to have a kid--Sometimes God knows best.
It's all about spending
time learning about what you are getting into. States make adoptions difficult, agencies place further restrictions and some actually attempt to mandate how you raise the child (completely illeagal). The person in Richmond,who oversees interstate adoptions has been and still is rather difficult to deal with and moves at a anils pace (it is all business to her and not a matter of letting families get on with their lives). The bottom line, people adop[t from foreign countries because those governments make it easier. Our own government loves the color red, especially when its on tape. I do NOT fault those who adopt overseas, I fault our own system for making that option more appealing!
Lets not even begin to talk about how birth parents get 90 days to reconsider, 90 days of agony every time the phone rings for the adopting family. The system is working against those who want to adopt. It needs
Beggers can't be choosers
I may come off as really harsh by typing these words, but these are my heart-felt sentiments. I used to say that if you couldn't have children, God must really know what He's doing. To a certain extent, I still believe it. The light gray captions on the top left of this article tell me that would-be parents are being too picky while thousands of American children go without love, structure, and discipline that they can have in a nice American home. It makes me wonder if these child-bearing challenged folks would put their baby up for adoption if the child were born with genetic/birth defects. If the rationale is to escape attachment to a needy child, you wouldn't get away from that even if the kid were born with no defects at all. Children, regardless of condition, are dependent on their parents. It's the law of nature. So, if you're really serious about a child, take a chance and adopt one that real
I agree EL
Nice points.
Nature vs. nurture . . .
So many times, older kids may have genetic issues *and* nurture issues, while newborns only have the genetic issues (if that . . .). I have known several families who have had to reverse adoptions of older children--it is a heartbreaking decision that no one wants to make, nor judge after another family has made it. Cheers, MGM
Adoption
While I understand the drive and the need to hold a new born bundle in ones arms, I cannot fathom how there is a waiting list for babies, yet older children cannot seem to find a home as a result of this desire. Lately there has been a trend of adopting children out side of the country in order to fill this. I find this disheartening. I would think that a child is a child no matter and as long as your arms aren't empty, that would be what mattered most. I applaud this couple for considering the 11 yr old boy and understand their reluctance to bring that child into their homes. It should be noted however that adoption of any child brings a host of unexpected problems. Every child needs a home and hopefully those homes will be provided.
As a father of two adopted kids
I have to say that families place their own limits on their choices when they only want an infant of thier own race. Look past these things and things become easier. Trust ME I've done it.......twice.
Surrogacy is a great option!
For people who are facing infertility, surrogacy is a great option. Most people are parents within a year and a half from this option once they decide to move forward and in most cases it is their own biological child.
Adoption is just too hard and long of a process in the US with too many headaches and heartaches compared to surrogacy.
Joan Barnes
surrogacy.com
Good article!
I didn't realize *every* baby born in the U.S. who needs an adoptive parent can get one immediately. I had still been under the old paradigm of when there were minority kids who couldn't be adopted at birth. So glad that is not the case now! It speaks lots of hope into the hearts of young girls who may struggle with not choosing an abortion, but not wanting to bring up their babies themselves. There is another good, solid, *choice* here, adoption! Cheers, MGM