Before sharing your skills, set rules to get what you want

By Daneen Skube Interpersonal Edge | Tribune Media Services

I’m really good at what I do! I’m often asked to “mentor” people in and outside my company but I’m never rewarded for doing so. I’m tired of being expected to help others in my profession without any respect for how long I’ve worked to learn what I know. How can I command respect?

A. You can realize that your self-esteem (and that includes being respected) is not a democracy – it’s a dictatorship. Only one person on the planet gets to decide if you are worthy of respect, and that person is the one you see in the mirror every day.

When a client comes to me to work on being respected in the workplace, the first thing I ask him or her is to tell me about the agreements they’ve made. For instance, the agreement you have made is that you will give, give, give and others will take, take, take and owe you nothing.

It sounds to me like you’re a tad tired (OK, maybe a lot) of making that agreement at work. The second question I ask a client is to tell me what agreements they want to have with others. For instance, it sounds like you want to have an agreement that mentoring is a two-way street. If you give career advice, there is something you get back.

I’ve had many talented clients that have struggled with your dilemma. They can’t understand why so many people junior to them in their industry feel entitled and huffy about getting their help. The truth is if you are very good at what you do, many people will feel you have so much and they have so little. Thus you must help them!

You do not have to agree with any such arrangement. Start to change your current workplace agreement by translating these requests as backward compliments. You are admired!

Next, calmly and neutrally explain the conditions under which you will help a potential mentee. Last, expect that the truly entitled will get huffy and stomp off.

The beauty of your new screening process is you will weed out human beings who are constitutionally incapable of gratitude or respect. The deeply entitled and huffy will be off demanding help from some other poor soul.

According to research, the capacity for gratitude and respect is a fundamental of mental health. People who lack these key traits are unlikely to succeed in any profession and are poor candidates for your mentoring.

The last word I’ve made some embarrassing mistakes lately at work. When I look around it seems everyone else is perfect. How can you hold your head high after publicly messing up?

A. Realize the only people who make no mistakes are suffering from a bad memory and start again more intelligently tomorrow.

Daneen Skube is an executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything.”

Have a question: Contact Daneen Skube at www.interpersonaledge@comcast.net or c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207.