UPDATE! 5-14

- 'Baby Bump' [1]

Can we all just say pregnant? I feel like this is another way of infantalizing women. I might be overthinking this but I feel like insipd, gobbledegook terms like this reduce the motherhood/pregnancy experience to a patronizing Barbie play house fantasy. Baby Bump sounds like a toy. Toys are for children and babies are not toys. I know if I were pregnant -- and sometimes envy pregnant women for being able to be grouchy and eat all they want -- I would punch you if you said this around me. 

- The Osmonds [2]

Look, with all due respect to you baby boomers (or whatever generation these people are relevant to) these people have zero, I mean ziltch, influence or context on the lives of people born after 1970. Who are they? Why are they always on Entertainment Tonight or whatever, weepily re-hashing Marie's weight problems over and over and over? (Before you answer that, understand that I think I speak for all of us when I say we don't care.) The Jacksons? Fine. I'd love to see them splayed over every imaginable channel for a few months because they are a collective hot tranny mess [3], and I mean that in the most loving and approving way. If the Kennedys would release some music, I'd be into that. The Hogans, Kardashians, Simmons', the Osbournes, heck even the Bradys I can take. But the Osmonds? The evil must be stopped. 

 - Rising stamp prices [4]

Hey postal people: for the love of God, just make the stamps $1 a piece, then don't bother us with your problems for at least another two years. We have more pressing matters than continual adding, dividing and subtracting trying to dertermine how many extra 1 cent stamps, which no one sells but the post office anyway, we will now need to pop a card in the mail for Grandma. (Who, by the by, is the only person we mail anything to any more anyway.) For crying out loud, just make it a flat fee and call it a day! I know there's the Forever Stamp, but something tells me your definition of 'forever,' will one day change and you'll debut the Super-Forever stamp, the Forever and Ever stamp. Dude, we'd even pay $2 a stamp if that extra income would make postal people just even slightly less surly and/or get them some industrial strength farmer's lotion to keep handy at the office. I mean, have you seen their hands? Thank you, amen.

- Vocoder/Talking Box tracks

Cher and T-Pain should spend two days in hell for this. Sweet mercy, I just cannot take turning on the radio and hearing someone coo into a window fan again. I really, really can't. And for that matter...

- Rapping on the bridge on R&B songs

Prime offender: Ludacris on Alicia Keys' 'Like You'll Never See Me Again [5].' Really? We're rapping on tender, dewy ballads now? Has it come to this? Make it stop, I beg you.

- 'Making it rain'

One of the inevitable flaws with the trend of big ballers throwing wads of cash on strippers was that it would, like everything else good, trickle down to us regular folk and become a bad version of itself. With so many songs talking about 'making it rain' it's just a matter of time before some wannabe playa starts chucking nickels and Canadian pennies in the club, and someone's going to lose an eye.